There’s A Shift Happening

If you know me then you know I have my comfort shows I’ve been watching for years. Lately, I’m in a place where I watch them and now end up getting emotional and experiencing less comfort. Me crying at just about anything contributes to it. I don’t know if it’s because as time goes on the older they feel. The time they were created is feeling farther away as time goes on. I feel that shift or disconnection with shows that are still running decades later such as NCIS, SVU, and Criminal Minds. I start to wonder seeing or feeling that shift coincides with a shift inside of me.

I just got caught up on all of the Criminal Minds. This show has been at the core of me since high school. It was a huge part of why I wanted to go into law enforcement. I have done several school projects influenced by the show. I have a quote from the show on my wall. A picture of some of the cast members is usually hung up in my cubicle at work. The quotes at the end of these posts are from the show. The list could go on.

When I was alone, I had Criminal Minds. I was given a sense of community.

I knew catching up on episodes was going to wreck me, especially with the recent episodes since I was getting spoilers. Without giving too much away there were some flashbacks that just got me. They played THE song I associated with the show. It was focused on one of my favorite characters and actresses AJ Cook who plays Jennifer “JJ” Jareau. Her real-life sons play her sons on the show so watching them grow adds to the emotions. JJ-based episodes are always going to be my favs and the ones most likely to make me cry.

The thing that makes Criminal Minds different from the other shows I brought up is that it had been canceled or at least decided that it was going to end. Maybe a little bit of both. The spike in people watching it during the pandemic I think contributed to the decision to bring it back. And most of the main actors and actresses were able and willing to come back. It’s been said that a difference between this show and others is the on-screen chemistry between the characters also existed off-screen. That’s what made so many people drawn to the relationships these characters shared. A lot of it was genuine. It’s been said that even the overall set was different than most shows the actors had been on. As someone who has done the behind-the-scenes of shows and events, the people are a big part of what makes a production flow.

I think having Criminal Minds come back as Criminal Minds Evolution is symbolic. Though it was only a couple years it was enough years where it could have come back and not worked. I think it was one of the shows that did a good job of acknowledging the break but making it work. I think a lot of the shows that decided to involve COVID can make it feel forced. They made it part of the plot but not overbearing.

I think it shows that sometimes a break from something whether it was wanted or not can be necessary. Maybe you can come back in new ways but still honor what was before the break. I have a special relationship when it comes to production-related work. I went to school for it so a part of me has a love for it. It’s also been intertwined with a lot of my struggles and tainted my relationship. Once I graduated from college and certain things came out I was unable to do much production (mostly camera op) work. It became known that I shouldn’t be asked to work unless it was a desperate need. One of those needs was for a NAIA event two years ago. Then another event came up a few months later. They were a mix of good and also a lot of triggers and emotions. Again, there is a part of me that loves the work and at one point lived and breathed it. One of those events opened the door to me freelancing. An event I will be doing for a third year now. I said I was only going to do it the first year because my friend was desperate to find someone to take her place. Freelance work can be like waitressing. You’ll say you’ll never do it again and then you decide to pick up a “shift” to make some extra money.

After I got through the initial struggle it made me think, “Well I got through it last time.” Each time I gained something. I’ve written a few times about someone I met when I replaced my friend a couple of years back. Now he’s one of my besties. Parts of me came out for the first time in years because of him. Though I haven’t gotten to work with him again, I still gain new relationships and perspectives each time with people. Last year I wasn’t asked to do the NAIA event, and this year I ended up asking if they still needed people. This was the first time in years that I had asked to work an event. It was the first time in years that I felt the love I once had. I had my moments for sure but that’s unavoidable especially when it’s at the place that started it all. I was one of the more seasoned people to begin with on top of it being the first time for a handful of people who worked. I was the one who was sent to different places to help the new people. I was teaching them some of the basics. As much as I love working from home most days where I can put my headphones on and tune out the world while I work, there is something about working with others. Especially, in a non-office admin dynamic.

One of the hardest things for me is being in a place where I know so much of the history, good and bad. Though I’m not always the most vocal (I think in a self-protection way) I have a hard time accepting things that I don’t think are right. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know some of the things I know. I was working with people where most of them had no idea of what happened years prior. Being in places where my abuse happened can be hard for sure. A lot of the time I catch myself almost jealous of those who don’t know what happened. This time around I was catching myself seeing the good of people not knowing. Deep down I love the production and media world. I love it when I get to teach others about it. So much of my healing has been learning how to honor myself and all that has happened but also embrace the new.

Things are different from when I was a student. Despite all the pain I went and still go through because of that time, I am grateful for being there when I was. The environment was different and I am grateful for how I was taught and the experiences I was given. I haven’t felt gratitude like that for a long time.

I have taken a break from a lot of what I love and enjoy. Partially because my job and life in general can take so much out of me. It’s when I do the things I love that make me appreciate life more. Even working camera the few days made me appreciate my time. I live a pretty chill life. I think a part of me has needed that to heal and just be. That being said I sometimes have too much free time. Those few days last week my time was full which part of me thrives on that. It reminds me how precious time can be. It was those few days when I saw one of the Criminal Minds spoilers that made me go crazy but I didn’t have my usual time to be able to catch up that moment. Being busy can be a good thing. All of the time maybe not, but it forces you to use your time better. I had been putting off catching up on Criminal Minds because I was like, “I got time to do it later” until I didn’t.

I have a hard time treating survival mode the same as being busy. So much of my busyness in the past was because I had to in order to survive. I think I have gotten almost too comfortable. I’m almost too afraid to take chances. I’m a Cancer and Enneagram 6 so some of that is in my nature. I crave stability. Sometimes I’m afraid to risk stability even if I could be happier.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fit into the environment I have spent most of my life in. The thing is I’ll never truly fit and if I do at what sacrifice?