Find Love Together – Logan Briana

2017 was a rollercoaster of emotions and by far one of the hardest years. Through it all, I accomplished and grew more than ever.

I decided to enroll back in school to pursue my BS degree. The months before I started classes in September were some of hardest months. I was sad all of the time. I was without a purpose. I felt unworthy. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. The times I was happy was far apart. I was living with my cousins at the time. I love them a whole lot, but living with them was not an easy thing for me to do. There were a lot of emotional triggers when I lived with them. I missed my aunt, even more, when I was with them. I do think the house that we physically lived in affected me more than I thought it had. Halfway through the year, they moved to another house, and each time I have been there it has been an easier time to be ‘happy.’ I have been able to become my own person and detach from them, which has been the key to me being able to be okay when I am with them. There has been this battle of me being a part of their tight-knit family, to not being a part of it. When I first moved to Indiana when I was ten, it was talked about that they were going to adopt me when my aunt died. As time went on, I got older and I felt more distant from them. It got to the point when my aunt did die, I was almost twenty and I wasn’t really a part of them anymore. I was never Brandy’s kid, so there were things she couldn’t say or do because I wasn’t her kid. This was felt heavily during the months that I lived with her and her family. I also couldn’t go anywhere since I didn’t have my license. That made it really hard because I lost the ability to stay busy like I did at school.

In May, I was finally able to move out and get back to being on my own. I thought once I was back to being on my own, I would begin to get happier. Instead, I cried more during the months after I moved out than I did the entire time at Brandy’s. First off, my hormones were all over the place. They always are, but they were worse than ever. It was also summertime, which is my hardest season as I miss my parents the most. I was also going through personal issues, that probably wouldn’t have affected me as bad, but given that my body was so out of whack I would cry at just about everything. I also had little interaction with other people during those summer months, which affected me as I needed other people to function.

In July, I was able to travel to Tennessee and Maryland. I got to spend my birthday/fourth of July with my sister in Franklin, TN. During those few days I was there, I met my Aunt Terrie and her son Brendan. That was big in 2017. It was also nice to finally have family that was so close to my age since I am not even a year older than Brendan. Though I enjoyed each day I spent with them, I really enjoyed the day I was able to spend with Brendan. We are similar so we were able to bond as if we had known each other our entire life. The day I spent with him was full of a lot of firsts for me which made it one of the best days 2017 gave me. Then I got to go back to Maryland for the first time in about ten years. I got to see my family that I grew up with and got to meet some little ones for the first time. I loved meeting each one of those babies I had the ability to watch grow through pictures. I only knew them for a week but they made it very hard to say goodbye. Being in Maryland, and being with my family felt so much like the home I had been missing. Then there were definitely times that I became homesick for Indiana. When I came home from the Baltimore trip, I discovered that I had lost myself a little bit (not exactly sure from what, but probably from all of the meeting new family and seeing old so close together). I struggled through the rest of July and all of August trying to get back to myself and figuring out who I was as a person.

In September, people moved back onto campus and I got to be around people again. I was still recovering from all of the heightened emotions and losing myself. I was struggling with not having my parents or my aunt Debbie. I was really wondering who I came from, and what parts of who I have in me. I really look like my dad, but then I am beginning to look more like my mom. I was unable to really know who they were as human beings before they died, so I am unable to be like “oh I am stubborn because my mom was.” This year, in particular, that was really hard for me to deal with.

As the fall semester went on, I was in psychology and addiction counseling classes, as that was my major. Me being me, I had to change my major once again. This time it was different than any of the other times that I had changed my major. I hated every bit of my classes. I thought General Psychology was hard because I took it my during my first semester of college, but it wasn’t. I like the idea of psychology, but studying it is too difficult for me. Not particularly academic wise, but emotionally. In psychology, you study all of these theories of how the human mind works. You study what is ‘normal’ and what is ‘abnormal.’ First off I come from everything far from normal, and studying psychology was a constant reminder that I come from crazy people (both literally and figuratively). Then studying addictions counseling was again, a constant reminder of who and what I come from. Maybe in the future, I will be able to study it without triggers, but at my current stage, I am unable to without getting into a place that is unhealthy for me. I switched my major (for the last time) to Media Communication. I had wanted to major in some kind of communication ever since my freshman year but didn’t think it would be possible because I was a terrible communicator and didn’t talk or interact with others unless I had to. I was able to go days, even weeks without interaction with another person and be perfectly okay. During my freshman year, I had lost that “freshman fifteen” instead of gaining it. I began to care more about what I looked like. I also began to try to actually enjoy life and not just live it. Again I was away from home, (kind of, I was one of those people who went home almost every weekend) being independent and doing my own thing. Each year leading up to what is now my senior year, I became more outgoing and more talkative. Even though this past summer I was sad, whenever I was able to be around people I was smiling my biggest smile. I need people to be able to be happy and live a somewhat healthy life. No matter what I am dealing with, being around people causes me to forget my troubles and genuinely be happy. Though I haven’t truly started classes for being a media communication major, it feels more right than any other major I have had. All of the other majors I felt like I was playing a part, and I don’t feel that with being a communication major. Since I have switched to this major so late in college, I am packing communication classes into three semesters instead of eight. I would be lying if that didn’t make me a little anxious because that is a whole lot of learning in a short amount of time about something I know just a fraction of. I know I am capable because in the past five months I have learned things about this field that I never thought I’d understand. I have been working hard to not run away from things I can’t do because I am afraid of messing up while learning. I grew up to yelling and being told that I was worthless and unable to do anything right whenever I was trying to do something for the first time, but somehow should have already known how to do it. My first instinct is to flee when I run into something I can’t do. I can’t do that if I want to major in Media Communication (I can’t really do that with anything if I want to go far in life). I have some pretty great bosses that aren’t afraid to call me out on when I am holding myself back, and I am thankful for their pushing me.

In October, I got to go to my first concert, which was Kesha. I am still in awe that I was able to see such a beautiful soul live. It was so out of my comfort zone because when you go to see Kesha you are going to be surrounded by a whole lot of craziness. Also, the venue I went to was huge and left room for all kinds of things to happen. It was a night I won’t forget. Kesha’s music, especially her new album Rainbow, got me through this year. Kesha’s ability to push through all her issues, helped me to continue pushing through mine. Her music helps me to continue. I love her realness and want to include each person no matter who they are. Those are two things, I myself try to portray. I see a lot of myself in Kesha, and I think that is why she can help me on so many levels.

In the month of November, I accomplished something I never thought I would ever achieve. I got my driver’s license. In the beginning, I didn’t see the need to get one. As I got older, I developed a fear of cars, which then stopped me from wanting to drive a car. I still almost everytime flinch when I am in the car, especially as a passenger. The anxiety I get as a passenger isn’t as bad when I am the driver(even though I am confident I have given that fear to those who drive with me). For a couple of weeks, after I got my license, I couldn’t believe I got it. I didn’t feel like I deserved it and the freedom that it gave me. Getting my license is by far the biggest accomplishment of 2017.

The month of December, I was able to finish another semester without failing a class. I am still gradually getting better GPA’s every semester since the semester my aunt died. Though I would like to get back to doing better than just not failing, I am also going to take what I can. This month has been full of me missing being on campus, working my jobs, and being around the people I love the most. I am not completely myself, but I am doing way better than I thought I would be with being away from what I consider my home and happy place. I have learned while living with Brandy, for the three weeks that I am on break from school, is that I change when I am around her and my cousins. I’d say I’ve gotten better at staying true to who I am and staying my outgoing self while around my family. I still have work to do, as there are times I do shut down when I am around them. This Christmas and month, in general, has been way better than I thought it would be. I have missed the family that is no longer with me, but I have also been able to be happy and enjoy the holidays more this year than in the past when spent with Brandy.

I hope to take the confident and outgoing person I have become into 2018. I am thankful for the people I have become close to over this year, and I am happy to bring them with me into the New Year. I hope 2018 is kind to me, but not too kind because we all need the ability to grow from our hardships.

I hope your 2017 was full of greatness, and I hope 2018 is even better.