Gotta Take it Day by Day

Each semester it gets harder to justify spending so much money on an education that I could find somewhere else. Yet every time I have left this beautiful school of mine, I somehow wind up back.

Yet, I feel stuck.

But I do believe wholeheartedly that I am here because of God’s purpose even though so much of me wants to run the other direction, especially lately. Then at the same time, I feel more me than ever being a Media Communication major. I wouldn’t want to go through the program with anyone besides the people I am doing it with. To be honest I don’t think I’d be successful in another school’s program. That is why even though how hard it can be financially, I continue to stay at Indiana Wesleyan.

Though I don’t regret my unpredictable path while going to IWU, as I have found myself more than I ever would have in the same major for four years. That path of mine has caused me to lose certain financial aid, which has caused some financial scares. About a week an a half ago I wanted to apply for a job in Seattle and if I got it, just pick up and leave. Then the rational me thought that that would be a dumb idea. I just know the idea of having a full-time job with the full-time income sounds amazing while I am currently working part-time and have the struggles that can come with that.

It’s weird because when I didn’t have emotions, I felt more put together and not all over the place. As I have grown over the last couple of years, I have grown to feel my emotions but feel like a mess more than ever. Deep down I know I am on the right track to healing, but it’s hard to have everything feel like it’s falling apart all of the time. I know a good amount of that is life, but it’s a struggle dealing with things that I should have been learning how to do many years before now but couldn’t because my emotions and other parts of my development were stunted until recently. Now I am dealing with the hardships of “adult” life on top of learning how to manage my emotions.

The last few weeks, my emotions have been really out of whack. This has caused it to be harder for me to function and be my smiley self and stay on top of homework. It could be because of a hormone imbalance, mental disorder, or something to do with my trauma. I was told that I would hit this huge wave of unbearable emotions, and it would be after the wall, that I built during all of the death and dysfunction, broke down. I don’t know for sure, but I am hoping to find out soon what is wrong since it is starting to keep me from doing things. I skipped class two weeks ago because it got so bad that I locked myself in a dark and confined room for an hour.

I am just trying to keep in mind that God’s timing and placement are perfect, even though there are many times where it is hard to believe that truth. Though I feel stuck, I am going to continue to push through and embrace the many privileges that I have while being at this amazing school. I am surrounded by people who do care about my well being, even though the enemy likes to put lies in my head.

Since I am officially a senior, I have to start thinking about what I am going to do post-college. That requires me to form a plan, but at the same time, I still have to take it day by day because I don’t know the future. Only God does.