You Are Not Your History

I have officially moved the rest of my belongings with me to IWU. That said stuff is now taking up the entirety of my van. Ninety-nine percent of it is from my childhood before my mom died. It’s those things that don’t particularly have a use, but yet it has that sentimental attachment to it. Also, I have hundreds of pictures that remind me of a life I once had that I miss but then there are pictures like this one that reminds me how screwed up of a family system I was born into (Disclaimer, this isn’t me complaining, asking for pity, etc. I know far well that I’m not the only one that has gone through things and I know others have gone through things I couldn’t imagine).

No matter how that cigarette ended up in my mouth, no one should have taken a picture of my barely even 3-year-old self “smoking” a cigarette. Knowing me and knowing the interest I had in all of the drugs that my family did “behind” closed doors, I have a good guess that I’m the one that found that cigarette and put it in my mouth. People say addicts of any kind are to blame themselves that they got addicted. Yes, maybe to an extent, but each situation is different. My family, both mother and father’s side did drugs or drank alcohol by the age of thirteen. Yes, a lot of addicts are to blame but there are SO many other factors that play a part in addiction. Environment and genetics are two of them. I grew up in an environment that was a feeding grown for me to develop an addiction. I also heavily believe genetics play a big part, hence why I’m so against any drugs or alcohol. If you drink I’m not saying you’re wrong for doing so, but I’m personally not taking any chances especially since I can see addiction tendencies in myself.

Sometimes I want to get rid of every bit of those things that are taking up space in my van. I like owning things that are practical and some of those things have been in boxes for over a decade since I moved to Indiana after my mother died. Then I don’t want to get rid of it and regret it because of the sentimental attachment that I have with it. Then I tell myself that I have said goodbye to so many earthly belongings that I wanted more than the stuff in my van, so then why is it so hard to let go of this stuff?

I’m not sure how to close this post so I am going to conclude it with a quote by one of my favorite writers, Morgan Harper Nichols, “He gracefully moves her forward, and her wounds begin to heal.” Lately, I have really been meditating on God’s grace in my life not only currently but from the beginning. I am thankful for God’s grace and Him protecting me through all the dysfunction and bringing me out of it pretty much without a scratch. God is continuously and gracefully healing me day by day. I am better today than I was yesterday and I will be better tomorrow than I am today. Let me tell you a secret it has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with an Almighty God.