Find Love Together – Logan Briana

What even was the year called 2018?

This year was one of the worst years for me mentally and emotionally. I had emotional and mental breakdowns almost monthly. These breakdowns were me uncontrollably shutting down and crying for hours straight without the ability to stop. It got so bad that I seriously thought I was bipolar because I would be happy and just like that a switch would happen and I’d want to drive myself into a pole so instead I’d lock myself into a dark room not able to function rocking back and forth crying and hyperventilating. There would be times where I felt like I was detoxing and I needed to be restrained just so I wouldn’t do something that would have longlasting effects not only to me but to those around me.

There was one time this year that I sat in my van in the parking lot of Elder, a building that I spent more time at than anywhere else, with a knife to my wrist. I made 22 years going through trauma and abuse without cutting until this year. I had a knife that was in my driver seat door and a moment of complete weakness that led me to put that dull blade to my left wrist. I have never in my life had the issue of cutting or wanting to cut. I didn’t understand why people cut without the intent of killing themselves. That day was one of those days that I had a breakdown and couldn’t feel anything so the touch of the blade helped me feel. Really it was more me flirting with the idea of cutting because I knew deep down I didn’t really have the want to do it. I thankfully didn’t have the urge to do it again even during the many times after that where I wanted to die. I still have a scar or scars from the scratches I made from the knife. After about an hour or so in a van that had been sitting in the heat mid-September I contained myself and went to work.

These breakdowns I discovered happened around the same time each month, the week (usually day or two) before I got my period. There were a few that were triggered but most if not all of them were because of unbalanced hormones that I have no idea how to control. It took me almost the entire year to realize when these breakdowns happened. I used the excuse of my hormones for the longest time but didn’t really solidify that theory as being the true reason until about October or November.

During these times I get uncontrollable anxiety and depression with constant thoughts of suicide. I would not say I am suicidal. I have been suicidal and I am not that now. That is really why I knew something had to be wrong with me and why I would feel this so often and randomly. Knowing that it wasn’t my fault that these thoughts came almost monthly helped me keep going when all I wanted to do was die (though I knew I didn’t want to deep down). During these breakdowns and thoughts, I had to use all of my energy not to react to those thoughts. This lead to an exhausted Logan on every level. This made it hard to do anything school related or really anything life-related. To be honest, working is what saved me because it was my happy place and got me through each week.

I am thankful for those in the Communication department and tv station at Indiana Wesleyan University for pushing me to do my best and loving me. I have grown so much over this year by being a part of the amazing com department of IWU. I wouldn’t have finished my B.S. degree without them.

Oh yeah, this year, in December, I finally got my B.S. degree. I have pushed to get this thing for over twelves years for my mom because she was so close to getting hers when she died. I tried so hard to be proud of this accomplishment because I knew I could easily make it into something small (though only 2% of orphans have a B.S. degree or higher so I am that 2%. I also found that out not even two weeks before I graduated so I use any chance to shout that to the world). I even put a collage of Jennifer Lopez on my grad cap cause anyone who knows me wouldn’t expect anything less. But really Jennifer Lopez is one of the things that I believe God gave me as a way to get through sad times. Also, one of my only memories with my mom is sitting on her lap listening to All I Have by Jennifer Lopez one more time before having to go to bed.

I did get more excited about me graduating than I had expected but then came my hormones and me crying for a week straight about a week after I graduated. But first here is some great pics of some people who love me a whole lot and made me feel loved not just on my big day but so many times throughout 2018.

I ended this year with one of the biggest accomplishments of my life but also one of the hardest times of my life because my hormones, that at least for right now I have to push through and deal with, happened to do their thing right after a big life change and during Christmas (an already hard season for me). I knew that though I was sweating profusely while in pain from crying I had to keep going for me and for those alive and dead who love me. I knew these thoughts would go away I just had to keep going.

Though I may have ended this year with being incredibly low, I also ended it with a big bang. All I have to tell you is that whatever you are going through, keep going. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do or think that it makes you weak because of it because you are far from it.

I also want to give a shout out to the big man upstairs. Through all of the breakdowns and thoughts, I still was able to see all that God did for me this year. He provided in ways that I would have fallen so deeply if He hadn’t done so. He gave me a great support system through both of my jobs. Both jobs I had to say goodbye to after I graduated, which was one of the hardest things because they are like family.

But I am going in 2019 with the goal of being even more open to where God leads me. After this year how could I ever doubt Him because He has shown how great of a God he is to his children.

God Bless to all!