Finding My Drive Again

Ever since Aunt Debbie died I have heavily felt my emotions. For many years my way of coping was to shut off my emotions and in a way become inhuman. I feel like during this time I had more goals and had something I was working towards. Where now that I feel emotions so intensely it overwhelms me sometimes where I spend so much of my energy on containing them.

I feel like I lost the drive to do what I really wanted to do like I did before Aunt Debbie died. This last week or so I have really been thinking about what I wanted before all of these emotions and just how I wanted to be presented.

I have been an artistic person, most people around me have seen some form of that. By default, a lot of what I want to do in life is those dream jobs that don’t usually pay unless you become really big. For a bit, I thought I wanted to be an influencer but as I was talking about it last night I realized that’s not what drives me. I love to write. I was reminded that was why I created this blog. I wanted to write while sharing love to a community who needs it.

I never wanted to create it to get attention but to truly be able to share the love with at least one person who needed it. I wanted someone to read what I wrote and give them a sense of friendship and just someone they could talk to if they needed. I am one who prefers to be behind the scenes and giving the attention to someone else which writing allows that to happen.

I will say that me feeling all of these emotions is me healing from all of the death. I’m finally mourning my mom while mourning Aunt Debbie at the same time. Since I didn’t have emotions for so many years I didn’t learn how to manage them. While I’ve been in this huge stage of the healing process and dealing with my emotions I’ve lost focus on what I really wanted to do and how I wanted to present myself.

I was just starting to figure out what I wanted to do with my life when I lost Aunt Debbie and had to switch gears and learn how to survive life without her.

I would say I’ve learned a lot about who I am and gained so much after losing Aunt Debbie. At the same time, I lost my drive for what I truly had a passion for. Probably why I switched my major so many times. I wouldn’t say I am wishy-washy but when it comes to what I want to do with life it has reflected that the past couple of years. Before these emotions, I didn’t switch what I wanted to do with my life so constantly. I wanted to do the same thing for nearly eighteen years yet once Aunt Debbie died that changed. With that, I will say I have a good work ethic which I have also been told that by others so it’s not just me thinking that haha. I am willing to work hard for what I want. I will also say in some areas (school) I lost some of that push. I was dealing with so many emotions that I will admit in ways I gave up even if in my head that wasn’t what I was thinking at the time.

My emotions have had so much control over me the past couple of years that they blocked a lot of the motivation to push through the stuff I was dealing with compared to when I didn’t feel much emotion. Even when I was in the heart of all of the death and trauma I still did my school work as if I hadn’t had any of the issues I had. Which, to be honest, is probably why my emotions have been as extreme as they are now.

These past few days I have really been getting that push back which I figured I would get some back when I didn’t have to juggle my emotions and school work. I would say I am old fashioned and in ways an old soul. I think that affects my mindset and how I try to present myself.

I started a new job at a health and rehab center so I get to start over with how I present myself which is exciting and scary at the same time. I am glad that I am getting my drive back at the beginning of this job because it will play a big factor with how I decide to present myself and the mindset that I will carry.

I know it’s beneficial to do you and not care about what others think about you. Then at the same time, you want to make sure you’re presenting yourself in a good way. I encourage you to be more aware of your actions and words.