Not Wanting to go to Heaven

It’s September, which got me to thinking about my mom since she would be sixty-three on the sixteenth.

People always say, “You’ll see her again,” but honestly I don’t think I will.

My mom didn’t have faith. At some points in her life, I don’t even think she believed in God. For the longest time, I think this made me not fully want to have a relationship with God. There were times that part of me didn’t want to go to Heaven because that meant I wouldn’t be with my mom.

This thought about my mom rises to the top of my thoughts every once and awhile. Though now, it doesn’t affect my not wanting to go to heaven, it doesn’t hurt less.

It’s been a very long journey when dealing with my mom’s death. For a couple of years after I was in complete shock, which then stunted me developmentally. In ways, it was as if I was looking at myself from the outside and I couldn’t find a way to get back in. The shock started to wear off, but then death came again and again and I couldn’t get back up. It took a lot of years and a lot of God to have the ability to get up, let alone begin to heal.

During the time between the shock wearing off and me starting to heal was when I struggled with the thought of Heaven and if I was even interested in a place that didn’t have Mom. This period of healing didn’t last long since I then went through three deaths in a year.

During this time I wasn’t in shock, but definitely in a full-blown depression.

The third death was my Golden Retriever, Bobby. He was the only one out of the three deaths that I was expecting. I don’t think that made things better since everyday for over a year all I could think about was him dying and me losing my only friend (all while being a freshman in high school). He was by my side for about fifteen years

This was the time where I was the farthest from God and was borderline about to lose any faith I had in Him completely.

Fast forward to now, almost ten years later. I haven’t dwelled on Mom not being in heaven in a bit. I got baptized last Sunday, which made me think about Mom and how I really won’t see her again. Unless there are visit days in Heaven, but I don’t think that’s how it works.

I haven’t missed my mom more than I have now. Maybe because I wonder what she was thinking or how she was dealing with things at my age. I have read some of her journal entries (which were the write a couple of days, stop, and start over in another journal kind of thing). What I have gathered, we dealt with similar thoughts. I look more like my dad, but I think I am more like my mom personality-wise (though honestly, I have no true knowledge of that).

I’ve concluded, that ultimately in this world, I am here alone to do it. I will never fully understand why I was chosen to do all of this without at least one person always fully supporting me. I do believe as my faith has grown, my circumstances have allowed me to see God differently. I do know that I have God always, but sometimes His lack of physical presence is hard. Especially when I am crying myself to sleep while feeling so alone.

Even when I feel as alone as I possibly could, what keeps me going is knowing that I have God.

This is a song we sang at church today, and I thought I’d share it 🙂

“So I say yes yes a thousand times yes. Yes yes over and over again. Yes yes with every step lead me on I will follow You cause I want more more more of you Lord. And I am sure you’re my great reward. With no regrets yes for a thousand times yet a thousand times yes I will honor You Amen Amen”