Self Love Takes Work

I’ve always had that “what if mom was still alive” thought. Would I have dropped out of college? Would I have switched my major so many times? Would I have been in grad school right now intending to become a veterinarian? There are so many possibilities.

I do not doubt that I still would have had those typical doubts that people have when they are growing up and going through high school and college. I just think I wouldn’t have been as radical in some of my decisions.

It’s not like my decisions have been that extreme ha, but they’ve been up and down which did affect my future. One being my financial aid. Since I did drop out, I lost a lot of scholarships and grants which caused me to be on the verge of financially dropping out almost every semester when I did come back to finish my degree.

It has taken a lot of time for me not to dwell on the what-ifs and to be okay with my journey and that it doesn’t make me any less worthy. Yes, I still sometimes think about the ‘what ifs.’ I also have a good idea that if my mom was still alive that she would be the mom who would document every moment of my life, and post it on Facebook. So, I guess I don’t have to worry about having a bunch of embarrassing photos of me on the internet, haha.

There are times that I still struggle and think why would someone love someone without parents and all the baggage that comes with it. In ways, it probably sounds strange, yet I think others see me like this used and dirty thing. That thought has held me back from doing a lot of things in life.

If you know Lizzo, you most likely know her from her song “Truth Hurts.” I don’t follow her or listen to her music unless it comes on, but she tweeted this a couple of days ago, and it blew up.

I wouldn’t say I go around believing I’m this dirty thing like I used to, but I would be lying if I said the thought didn’t float around every once and awhile.

Like anything, self-love takes work. You have to rewire your brain to stop thinking about those negative thoughts. I’ve had a couple of people flat out tell me to stop being stupid and thinking those thoughts. They see the good and potential in me that I can’t always see.

I would say that I am almost all the way “healed” from all of the death I have experienced. It’s just the aftermath that I have to focus on dealing with. I still catch me thinking in a way that isn’t normal or healthy. Usually in the response of things that can trigger the trauma.

In this season of my life, I am trying to focus on doing what’s best for me and my healing. I tend to sacrifice my happiness and needs for those of others. That isn’t always a bad thing, but for me to be an even better use to others, I need to finish fixing me. I am finally in a place to be able to do that.

I never thought I’d be where I am in my healing. I encourage you to keep going. Keep working. Keep moving. Just don’t stop, even if you don’t see any change because even the littlest movement is important. Before you know it, you will be in a place you thought you’d never get to.