Straightening My Crown

It’s been about a week and a half since I wrote what probably was my darkest post I have written which freaked some people out aka my family. It has also been a week since I had a much-needed talk with Mamaw.

I have also taken a much-needed break from certain things. I am trying to be okay with being home and alone. I am one who needs to constantly do something and keep my brain stimulated. This has a lot to do with me trying to keep away my thoughts. Keeping busy also helps me from feeling as alone.

This week hasn’t been too bad actually. I think Gilmore Girls has helped. Monday I took a vacation day and did absolutely nothing but start watching Gilmore Girls from the beginning. I didn’t leave my house once. So, this week has been full of me watching Gilmore Girls after work. We’ll see how I do being home once I finish watching all of Gilmore Girls. I have surprisingly enjoyed being alone. I also have noticed that my coffee drinking has increased, but I am now back on decaf to eliminate the caffeine and the anxiety that caffeine gives me. I also bought a fall scented candle, which I haven’t done in years. I’m trying to focus on the little things that make me happy, yet for reasons, I haven’t let myself want.

There have been a couple of moments, this week, where I’ve gotten emotional, but I repeated Mamaw’s words, “You’re fine,” in my head. Repeating the words that she told me last Saturday helped me get through those emotional and hard moments. She didn’t use those two words in a degrading way that downplayed what I was feeling, but in a way that she believed in me and my ability to get through my current struggles. One struggle has been the transition from being a student to not being a student and finding my identity without being a student. I have been a student for over two decades. I was put in preschool as early as I could be put in preschool. I have never not been in school, and it’s weird not being a student.

Mamaw said some things that solidified my being okay. There were some things that she brought up that I hadn’t thought of but are now some things that I am considering. This conversation helped me tremendously and really will be one that I carry with me for the rest of my life. I also think I needed the reassurance that I am doing good despite everything. I am an enneagram six, which means I sometimes need a lot of reassurance (and I don’t always get that).

We talked about how much I have grown into myself over the last couple of years. It made Mamaw sad that I was going through such a hard time after getting through so much and finally becoming the person I am. I told her that in ways, I think it made me feel the way I have been feeling so much harder. I now know what it feels like to be a bold and confident person, and struggling to keep that made me sad too. This past week after my talk with Mamaw, I have started to get back my shine, or in Mamaw’s words, “Straightening my crown.”

I will still have my hard days (because for one that is life), but I am just fine. I know who I am, even though sometimes it may not feel like that because I have to learn how to be me without school, but school has never defined me, so I shouldn’t let it start.

There’s not another one of me. There’s not another one of you. Shine bright no matter how dull you may feel.

Also, peep my favorite picture ever and the first picture of Mamaw and me!