Find Love Together – Logan Briana

People tell me that I am more aware of my emotions than most people. Whether that is true or not, being more aware doesn’t help me deal with my emotions.

I have a hard time admitting that I am struggling, especially mentally. I think partially because life doesn’t wait for me to get better. I think it has been easier for me to say I am fine, instead of admitting that I am struggling. For those who follow me on twitter (and I apologize to those who do) see a lot of those struggles when they are happening.

I didn’t want my hurting or struggling to affect my already limited opportunities so I pretended they weren’t as extreme. One example is from when Aunt Debbie was dying. When she went into the hospital it was at the end of the semester during its busiest with tests and projects. That semester I had a couple of professors who knew my history, so they knew when I said my aunt was in the hospital it meant something big. Specifically my writing professor, Dr. Katie Karnehm-Esh, who by the way is the reason I write today. I remember saying something along the lines of me not being in class because of my aunt. Karnehm knowing how serious it was then asked in a concerned tone, “Logan are you okay?” Yet, that month or so I continued classes and going to work as if nothing was wrong.

The thing with losing somebody is that that hurt never goes away. It does get easier, but then there’s a moment where that pain is back. People don’t really talk about that. People expect those who have just lost someone to be hurting and give them grace. It’s almost looked against if someone is struggling months and years later. People don’t take into consideration that years later you’re crying yourself to sleep and missing that person as much or more than you did when you first lost them. If you miss a day of work or class you can sometimes be looked at as weak or embellishing in the pain.

My current job is extremely mental. It has been an adjustment because all of my previous jobs have been more physical. There are some days that I can’t function mentally but with my other jobs, I could have a mental breakdown and still push to go to work because my mind wasn’t as vital as me just being a body working. Now that I am putting it into words, that’s probably why I always chose to be on a camera when at the tv station compared to other roles that may have needed more brainpower. My job is in accounting and solely brainpower. In ways, it’s like I am in a math class for eight hours. Most of the time I can push through all of it, but there are some days I just can’t. It’s been hard. I’ve discovered when being a student, though I was struggling 90% of the time, my day was broken up. I didn’t get as much stuff done as I should have but my brain was able to take a break.

My last semester as a student was the hardest one mentally. There are parts of it that I am not proud of because if I know it could have been better. I am a get it right kind of person. I like being right. I like getting things done the right way. I am not a cut corners kind of person. I think when I can’t do it right because I am hurting, it hurts me even more because I can’t do my best.

Transitioning from being a student to not being a student has been hard. I think working at the same university that I was a student in ways has made it harder. Some of my deepest relationships have shifted so greatly. I am in ways mourning those relationships which make me and my emotions even more of a mess. My world is changing again. Honestly, when you don’t have someone it makes you spin so out of whack no matter how aware or in control you are of your emotions. I am not going to deny that I have/ had people who support me and maybe even love me, but at the end of the day, it is just me. I lost the rock of having Aunt Debbie. That one person or thing that loves you no matter what. Thankfully I do have God as the number one rock in my life. I would be even more of a mess if I didn’t have Him. Just because I have Him in the center doesn’t mean I am perfectly fine and healed all of the time.

There has been a lot of big changes in my life recently. I lost the van which was Moms and then Aunt Debbie’s and then mine. When I lost the van in May it was like I lost Aunt Debbie all over again. Those shifting of relationships have made me feel empty in ways. The loss of the tv station, though I don’t think the loss of the tv station will hit me until it is done in December. The tv station was my heart in so many ways. Those who have read my previous blogs know that the station saved me. It became my family. Though I know I won’t completely lose some of the relationships I have made, they will change in some hard ways after December.

I am healing. Those around me would agree. But I am also mourning. I am mourning relationships that didn’t end because of a death and you start to think why. Is it because of something you did? It’s a dangerous road when you start thinking about those things. Also, mourning relationships that aren’t because of death are in my opinion harder. Those people are still doing life without you. Also, a lot of the time you’re mourning those relationships without anyone else knowing. If you look at my social media (even all of the stuff that I tweet) you wouldn’t fully know about all of the relationships that I recently lost and currently mourning. I lost several very close relationships which have pushed me to be ultimately alone once again. I do have my Brianna Symone, which honestly I would be in such a worst place without her, but right now she is an hour drive away and that’s not the closest to go and see for a few minutes. Most visits involve planning. Right now, most days I go to work and then go home. It’s hard.

Ever since mom died, summer has been my least favorite time of the year. It is the time I feel the lack of her presence the most. Never did I think right now I’d be wishing for summer over fall. I think it is because Bri was still in Marion, and I could randomly see her if needed. Also, it was before announcements about the station came out and other difficulties became present.

I know things happen and life isn’t always easy. Which it bugs me when people tell me that because I know quite well life isn’t easy. So many people interpret when someone is vocal about their struggles it is because they think life is supposed to be easy or something along those lines. I think this is why I haven’t talked about what I have been struggling with over the years. I also think this is why there is still such a big stigma around mental health. People who struggle (which is everyone) and are vocal just want to be heard and not have their struggles degraded.

Everyone is different. There are ways that people deal with their issues that make those issues worse. That then doesn’t mean what they’re feeling is less important than those who may be dealing with their problems in a healthier way.

I am sick of hiding my struggles and being afraid people will think I am weak or a screwup. I think that’s why I enjoy writing about what I am dealing with. I have shared what I am dealing with vocally and just had someone shrug it off like it was nothing. Each time that happens it gets harder to open up. With writing, I don’t know what people think about it unless they tell me. Those who reach out to me are the ones who are also secretly dealing with things they are afraid to share and open up about.

Some of my actions do represent what I have gone through. Those who adopt and do foster care are aware of issues that kids may have because of what they have gone through. They may have anger issues. The need for attention, but the lack of ability to get it in the right way. I think this is always why they have more rebellious tendencies.

There are times when someone does something that hurts even just a tiny fraction of me, and something in me wants to rebel or act out. I gave someone a bag of candy and they could have thrown it away or do what they eventually did, but instead, they gave the bag back to me. What did I do? I threw it away/ making a mess since some of the candy fell out of the bag onto the floor. Could I tell you why the simple action of them giving me back something I gave to them hurt me let alone made me respond in such an immature way? No. I do have some guesses but I also know it has to do with something deep inside me that I haven’t fully understood.

I have done some research on adult children of alcoholics while me being a child of trauma and addiction. It’s crazy how much damage can be done to a child’s brain when it is still developing. Losing your parents as a child versus losing your parents as an adult are two different things. Still hard no matter what. That big of trauma to a child can forever stunt the development of their brain. For a long time after my mom died, the majority of my brain stopped growing. I was getting older and in ways, my brain was growing with it, but most of it wasn’t. So for a while, I was struggling to get that part of my brain that was still ten years old to grow up to my actual age.

I think I can say that my brain isn’t stuck at ten years old anymore, but there are still long-lasting effects that I deal with daily. For example, emotions and feelings that people learn to manage while in middle school and high school, I have just started to learn over the last few years. Maybe that is why I immaturely threw that bag of candy in the trash can in response to me being hurt. I am twenty-three and know how to rightfully act, but sometimes it happens. I am glad that I have never outrageously acted out, but it still doesn’t stop some of my past actions from being stupid.

I know I won’t completely mend my “brains” together, especially if I don’t go to a psychiatrist. I’ve seen so many random counselors and psychiatrists but most of them said I was doing just fine. That’s because I know what it looks like to be mentally healthy, so people have written me off as fine. It has been on my list (for way longer than it ever should be) to find someone and make an appointment. Not going to lie, it is still on my list. I “get through” the mental issues and then I am doing good, so I forget or let it slide, and then oh there’s all the mess again and I’m telling myself I need to see someone.

That’s the thing about mental health, it is never-ending. When you are doing good, you need to keep doing all the things that help you stay healthy. When you are in a good place mentally, then you think, “oh maybe I can let this thing slide today.” Then you stop doing that thing and you get back into a place. For some people, it isn’t that big of a deal that you stop that one thing for a bit and then go back to doing it, but for others it is.

I knew growing up with addicts, I was already predisposed to so many issues I could face if I let myself do something. If I were to try anything the slightest bit addictive, I am a hundred times more likely to have it affect me than someone who wasn’t born into a family of addicts. It is why I am extremely cautious when it comes to something as little as alcohol (which I work at a place I can’t drink anyway so there is that), but my grandmother was an alcoholic, and then my mom was, and chances are I could easily be.

I have to be extra cautious of mundane things that people do because of my family history. I have to analyze everything that I do because of all the stuff I was predisposed to on top of the trauma that has happened to me. I have come to a point where I am overall okay with what has happened to me. I think that is a key factor that has helped me heal and will help me continue healing.

I have learned to embrace being an adult child of trauma and addiction. It is who I am. I can’t change that, but I can choose to stop generational curses. That may mean that I have to say no to things that are normal for people my age to say yes to. I struggle with some of the most mundane things which can affect my job, relationships, etc. I am me. I can be hard to understand and love. I can seem hot and cold. But I am more than those things.

I have had to do most of this life by myself. I have said goodbye to too many people, but I am grateful for the time I have had with those I lost. Thank you to those who support me, both verbally and silently. Thank you to those who haven’t lost hope in me yet. Thank you to those who have because at one point in my life you helped me get through.

I am a mess, but I am a mess trying to heal.