Everything Is Different Now

You know I’m struggling extra when I can hardly even write. I don’t know where this will go. I just know I have a lot of things going through my head but want to share them in the right way. There are things that I do want to share and will when I believe the time is right. Right now I still need to determine how much I want to keep to myself.

Those around me and those on social media can tell that I have been having a hard time. Even PINTEREST sent me an email concerned about me. A handful of people know a reason why I am feeling the way I am and I am grateful for the grace and support that they have given me. The thing is I am not good at being the victim. I am not good at letting what happens to me have its effect. I downplay nearly everything that happens to me, where in reality I have dealt with terrible things over and over.

The bad thing that happened to me this time I can’t downplay. I shouldn’t downplay it. I will probably share parts of it at a later time because I am me and I tend to share some raw things. That’s part of who I am, but I also know the internet is forever and I need to figure out how much I should/want to share and when the right time is to share those things.

Writing has helped me heal in so many ways. Whether it be from what I have written or from what others have written. There’s just something about words that make me feel something that not many things can make me feel. Yesterday, I spent part of my day at Barnes & Noble, and really was at my happiest. I finally bought a book by one of my favorite writers, R.H. Sin. He writes poems mainly focusing on empowering women who have been hurt by men. I bought his book “a beautiful composition of broken,” and wow it hits close to home. In less than 24 hours of me buying this book it has already changed my life in ways I couldn’t have even imagined.

He is one of my biggest inspirations to continue writing and following this passion of mine. Writing was his passion and he continued to write and take risks to get where he is now never expecting to be where he is today. That’s the thing about life, you never truly know where it will go. You have to keep doing. Keep working. Keep pushing. Keep going. When you find something that fires your soul, don’t let that fire die. I know what it feels like to not know what you want to do. I switched my major at least seven times during my undergrad. I enjoyed each major but none of them I truly loved with every being in me. When you find that thing that you love, chase it.

I have settled/sacrificed my happiness for most of my life. There are times where I have thought, “What’s the use? I have all these things against me.” There are so many statistics that have told me that I won’t be able to accomplish these things that are normal for others to accomplish. For example graduate college with a bachelor’s degree. Only 1% of orphans graduate with that four-year degree. I am that one percent. I try to keep the statistics that I have beaten in my head when I lose my motivation. Or when I start comparing myself to those who didn’t have all these things that set them up to fail. For the longest time (and it still happens) I let those thoughts stop me. People see you differently when you’re a statistic, both in a positive and negative way. A lot of the time I would let the negative opinions win. After awhile if something is said enough, you start to believe it. That is why it is so important to surround yourself with the right people. That is also why I try to be aware of the words that I say to others.

The last couple of weeks have been some of my worst. It has been hard to keep away those negative thoughts. Some being, “Of course this would happen to me,” or “The odds for it to happen to me are higher.” I feel helpless and empty. Everything is different now, but I have to keep going.

I have had so many people supporting me through this time, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I’ve also been so distressed, that even strangers have come up to me asking me if I was okay. I have learned to say, “I am not okay.” During my fifteen minutes at work last Friday, I began sobbing. My partner held me, while I said those four words to her. She said, “I know,” and held me for a few minutes. Sometimes all someone needs is their pain validated and to be held.

As much as you may want to cut people out of your life, they are important. It can be hard to surround yourself around others. Even more when you have lost yourself. It is okay to be alone too, but important to find a balance between the two. There are times when all I want to be is alone, but I know it probably isn’t the best if I am alone. Then there are times like yesterday where I spent most of the day alone, and honestly, it was one of the best days I have had in a few weeks.

I am thankful for those who choose to support me. I really wouldn’t be able to beat all of those odds against me if I didn’t have that support.