Find Love Together – Logan Briana

At the beginning of each year, you see people picking a word to describe what they want to work on for the year. I have kind of been one of those people but if I am being honest I don’t even remember the word I picked for last year.

This year I wasn’t going to try to come up with a word but then ‘control’ came to mind. To those who have read some of my recent posts know that I started the new year with working on controlling what goes through my head.

I have been doing pretty decent. I’m going to love on me a little and say I am pretty proud of myself especially since the last week and a half have been harder. I think the mix of my cousin getting married and being hormonal contributed to it. Weddings are hard on me for a range of reasons. I controlled most of my thoughts that would take away from the amazing thing that is a wedding, especially when it is someone who you love so greatly.

The Friday before the wedding I was in charge of keeping an eye on the VERY energetic five-year-old while others helped set up for the wedding. I was busy running and playing with him so a good amount of my mind was kept busy. In between the running and decorating I was still having thoughts I didn’t want to have. The moment I dropped off that five-year-old and his sister at their house Friday evening I began to cry and cried the entire drive home. The thoughts that I was controlling finally got to me. Plus me being hormonal, to begin with, it was bound to happen sooner than later. I was able to determine that it was okay and healthy to control those thoughts I was having earlier but knew that I shouldn’t control the crying.

This year I hope to learn how and when to control my thoughts like I did that Friday night. The thing that has made me hesitant when it comes to controlling my thoughts and how they make me feel is not letting myself feel it and just stuffing it away as I have done in the past. The thoughts on Friday that I was controlling was related to what initiated the crying but came from a different part inside of me if that makes sense. Throughout the day my mind was being triggered and was replaying things that someone had said to me. Things that were not important and did not need to be in my head. I then later cried because I missed that person whose words I was trying to get out of my head. If I had tried to control myself from crying then that would be me stuffing it in and not letting me feel the pain I need to feel in order to heal completely.

I have let my emotions consume me, which I do think for a bit that was good because I had a lot that needed to get out. There are going to be many more times in the future that I won’t be able to fully control whatever I am thinking or feeling. That is okay.

Even when my thoughts are fighting me a little extra there is still a lot to “Be thankful for today.” A few years ago I dreamed of being where I am today. I have a home that is mine. I have people I love and who love me back. I was able to be in the moment for my cousin’s wedding (which I don’t think has every fully happened before). Choosing to think about the good creates less room for the bad to creep in.

A lot of thoughts that I have struggled with over the years are about things that are never going to change. I can’t change the fact that my parents died. I can’t change that I won’t be a part of my cousins’ family in the way that a part of me wished. I can’t change a lot of things. I can change how I think about it. I can accept it and embrace what it is. There will still be moments where I mourn what younger Logan longed for. I can’t control that, but I can control how long those moments stay.

God promised many things, but an easy life was never one of them.

In 1 Peter 4:12-19,

¹² Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory^[b] and of God rests upon you. ¹⁵ But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. ¹⁶ Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. ¹⁷ For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? ¹⁸ And

“If the righteous is scarcely saved,
    what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”^[c]

¹⁹ Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

Life is going to kick you down at times. When you are kicked down get up and remember you have survived 100% of your bad days.