Find Love Together – Logan Briana

I was privileged to have in a way two moms, my mom, and my aunt, though no one can compare to your mom. When you are in a world where your mother is no longer there, it can be hard. Sometimes I tend to go about it as if it isn’t that big of a deal. Maybe it’s because it’s been almost fourteen years and I feel like I should be “over it” by now. That’s the thing with grief, it’s never-ending.

I called my cousin, who usually when I do it’s because I’m uncontrollably crying. In ways, she’s the closest living thing to feeling like my mom. I told her how I didn’t know how I’ve made it through all that I have and yet the smallest changes (like lack of sleep) can mess me up for a couple of days and I cry uncontrollably. She said you aren’t on survival mode anymore so emotions are going to come easier and stronger.

I had this picture (which is the last card my mom gave to me before she died) pop up in my memories on Facebook so I had begun my day with my mom in my thoughts. Add that to lack of sleep made for a hard day.

I have already been missing mom more lately because I am starting to live a more mundane life and feeling all the things I should have over thirteen years ago.

These feelings are okay and even necessary. They make me human. When I am feeling these feelings I wonder why me. Why was I picked to do this life alone and without the security of a mom who loved me beyond words?

The older I get the more I understand just how much she loved me. She raised me knowing her life was going to be cut short because she was HIV positive though ironically that’s not what killed her. Sometimes I do wonder what if she hadn’t died from what she did. I tend to be aware of anything HIV related and the medical world has discovered ways to stop HIV or at least slow it down even more from progressing to AIDS. Sometimes it makes me think of the what-ifs a little extra at times.

When I am missing my mom and family in general, I just have to stick to the things that help me through like listening to the music that reminds me of the time that mom was alive. Right now I have been playing Anita Baker, which I’m not sure if Mom ever did listen to her, but she gives me a piece of comfort. I also got some old records of my mom’s which ended up being a comforting thing. Now I just have to get a record player to play them haha.

I have a private twitter account that no one I know follows me on. So, someone who doesn’t know me at all, except through this random twitter account I created anonymously, sent me this quote because it reminded them of me. It really can be the littlest thing. They had no idea that I had been crying and feeling some of the things that this quote was reassuring me for.

I am thankful that I can call my cousin when I am crying (even though it may take her a little while to call me back). I am thankful that she’ll pray with me over the phone. I am thankful that no matter how different we are in ways we come from the same. I am always reminded when I am struggling that she understands more than most because she misses the same people.

I am thankful for the littlest things that can keep me going when I am crumbling. Even when you’re in some of your hardest battles life is still a wonderful thing no matter how messed up or not you think the world it. Even though the world may not stop for your problems or struggles, it can be important to stop and take care of you.

Hug your loved ones a little tighter today because one day you won’t be able to.