Find Love Together – Logan Briana

Traumatic bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome but instead of being kidnapped you’re in a toxic and abusive relationship and a lot of the time it’s with a narcissist. 

Like Stockholm Syndrome your brain becomes warped. You know and even want to break free from the person and relationship but you mentally are not capable. In ways, you become addicted to the person. You do just about anything for the person even though you are fully aware of all the manipulation and abuse that they do to you. During this relationship, you will begin to destroy yourself and forget your worth just to please the person. It is a constant up and down of emotions. They will say and do things that tear you down just to pick up the pieces they created. It makes them feel better about themselves and feel like the hero. 

The longer the relationship is the stronger the bond becomes. In ways, the victim is held hostage. 

A lot of the time a narcissist will isolate their victim. In my case, I was already as isolated as I could be. I had just lost my aunt months prior. Which my aunt was a narcissist so I was healing from losing her but also from the abuse that happened when raised by her. Then a narcissist far worse than my aunt came along. Unlike my aunt, this man knew his ability to control and manipulate. He observed me for over a year before he decided to grab onto me. I had no idea. He was seamless in catching me. With being my boss, he used work to communicate with me which quickly crossed many lines.

After my aunt died I was living on campus, but once I graduated with my associate’s degree I wasn’t eligible to do so. I then moved in with my cousin (which at this time was not the best thing for either one of us). The man knew the feelings I had about moving in with my cousin. At this time I did not have a job or license so I was stuck in a house away from my home. I was about to celebrate my first Christmas without my aunt on top of spending it with my sister for the first time. I had all of these changes and then the man began pushing harder than he had months before. He had said things that were nice to hear (some things that I hadn’t heard or felt since my mom was alive) but for so many reasons I kept a wall up as I should have. I was hurting in so many ways and my strength to stay strong against him broke.

Eventually, a traumatic bond was created.

By the time I had the relationship that I have now with this man’s coworker the traumatic bond was too strong. I treated this bond as being love (which at times especially in the beginning it felt like it). Even in the beginning, my mind was never where his mind was romantically, but he had rewired my brain and I practically worshipped the ground he walked on. If I did resist anything he wanted he made sure I felt bad about it and myself. He would also compare me to others who already made me feel insecure about myself. Then minutes later after saying these things he made sure to say he was joking or apologized for what he said.

He had complete control over me.

As time went on he began to lose interest in me and began moving onto someone else. He didn’t lose complete interest and still controlled me and made me feel bad just about anything. But don’t worry I shouldn’t take it personally because he was joking.

When he officially moved onto someone else I then began to lose control in different ways since I still had this bond. I saw that he was praising someone else in the same manner that he had me. In ways, I was withdrawing from him as if he was a drug. In a way, he was my drug for roughly three years. Then I began to deteriorate because he was having this connection with this new girl but not crossing a lot of the lines he had with me. At least in my head, I was hoping he wasn’t. Maybe he would have tried to if she hadn’t shortly reported him because unlike me she had someone to confide in.

Healing from a traumatic bond is a process. You feel similar things to what you did when being in the relationship. Plus, the longer the relationship was the chances of the victim healing from the trauma decreases. A lot of cases the victim eventually commits suicide because they cannot handle it.

I am far from being healed from this bond. I am only a few months in being separated from my abuser. I have zero communication with him and that is the number one step to healing from the damage of a narcissist but that bond is still fighting hardcore. I can almost guarantee if he decided to contact me right now I would respond, but thankfully the chances of him doing that are pretty much zero.

This last week has been quite difficult because that bond has been stronger than it had been for a while. It is a lot like having drug withdraws. I get nauseous and I can’t think properly. A lot of the time I feel like I am losing my mind. I also tend to cry in a matter of seconds.

My brain is rewiring.

I do encourage anyone dealing with something like this to surround yourself with people who love and support you. I have a few people that without them I would have crumbled beyond repair.

This is all because of a man who decided he needed to control others to feel powerful, but not once was it my fault or that of any of the girls he preyed on for fifteen years before being reported.