Day Nine

Nine years ago I did the 30 Day Picture Challenge on Facebook so each year around this time starts those thirty days of memories.

Day Nine: Aunt Debbie

It’s crazy to think about how this April will be four years without “the person who has gotten you through the most.”

What’s crazier to think is that most of the people who mean the most to me are all post her death. I think she met Bethany once while dropping me off somewhere but that was it. Life is so different since her.

I never thought I’d be able to survive without her but I have. In the past, I have touched on her ways of narcissism and abuse. Most if not all of it stemmed from her abuse and trauma that she received in her life starting as a young girl. Things that no one should ever have to go through. She was never fully aware of what she did to people, especially those close to her. Like her daughter, we both miss her greatly but we are glad that she is not here on earth. For one she wouldn’t be able to handle some of the things that have progressed in our lives. She was a very emotional person and felt things passionately. Which now that I have started to heal I’ve learned that I am the same way. She never knew what a healthy relationship or life looked like. A lot of her ways were set in stone since she was in her fifties and sixties when she began to find God and transform. Don’t get me wrong there was some redemption at the end, but she was still so broken and raising another broken person was not a good mix. I was also taking care of her when I needed to take care of me. I started to take care of myself during that last year she was alive which is probably why we fought so much. She was so dependent on me that I wasn’t able to break her control and do things that someone my age should have been doing. She was so unaware of her damage. Heck, I was unaware of it until I got out of it.

There are days I miss my best friend. Just last week I made eggs and I wasn’t sure if they were okay and instead of looking it up on my phone like I could have I searched the texts she sent me to find out if they needed to sink or float in water to be okay (which if they sink to the bottom they’re okay in case you wanted to know). I then cried because I saw her other texts while trying to find the one text about eggs. She was my go-to person to ask about little things that I could easily lookup online.

Life without those you love does go on. Some days are easier than others. It’s okay to be happy without them. It’s okay to talk about and celebrate them whenever. As much as society puts it in our minds, there is not a time when you magically stop grieving. This has made my healing and mourning messed up (on top of a lot of other things). I have abruptly, especially in the past, stopped grieving because that grace period of people being gracious ends so I thought I was wrong for still hurting.

I never thought I would be where I am in my healing. I just had a conversation with someone about how far I have come. They have gotten to witness my growth firsthand. They got to witness my talking issues in the sense where I want to talk and I am saying things in my head but I physically can’t get them out. I still struggle with it, but thankfully not as much. Things that didn’t seem possible just three years ago have become possible or are even closer to being possible.

I know I say it in almost every post but surround yourself with good people. I know how it is to not have good people at all and I know how it is to have good people while having some bad people. Having at least one good person during the good and bad parts of your life changes everything.