I Wanted To Be Adopted

I remember the day that my mom and aunt sat me down and asked who I wanted to live with if something were to happen to both of them. I was thinking about how irrelevant that question was since I wasn’t going to lose either one of them for a very long time. Shortly after my mom died.

That night when they asked me I had said my cousin who lived in Indiana. After my mom died, my aunt moved us from Maryland to Indiana. I say to this day that the reason I picked who I picked was if I had to go from growing up as an only child to not I wanted to be the oldest (though I then learned that involved some pressure I wasn’t expecting).

I didn’t learn until my aunt died about ten years later that the process of me being adopted by my cousin (her daughter) was further ahead than I ever thought. My aunt didn’t die until I was nineteen so past any age to get adopted.

I wanted my cousin to adopt me almost my entire life post mom dying. I had prayed for it so many times. Instead, I got parts of my cousin and at the time her five children (now six). Through the trauma and my aunt’s controlling/protective nature over me, it created a barrier between me and my cousin(s).

I got to the point where I just needed to be able to be on my own completely. Which it took a couple of years after my aunt dying to do so. I thought if I could be on my own and not have to depend on my cousin in ways that were like a parent it would make the empty feeling go away. All I wanted was her to be my mom. I also knew that was never going to happen especially as I got older.

I have struggled to be myself with or worthy of my cousins. I say to myself it’s all of my issues and not them. Things I need to figure out how to get over. I didn’t know how because I didn’t know all why I was feeling this emptiness. Recently, I began to realize it was because I was and still am mourning not being adopted by my cousin and being a part of a big family like I had wished my entire life.

Quarantine has brought a lot of different things. A lot of revelations. I am thankful for the progress I have made in my healing. I have begun to be okay with being human. It’s okay if I cry at every movie I watch even if it’s not sad. I haven’t tried it but I could see myself watching a horror movie and still crying haha.

I am me. I am healing.