Afraid To Be Happy

It’s fear that holds us back.

For the longest time, I thought it was the fear of failing. I will admit I still struggle with that.

It’s going for those bigger things. Some things I think I could have started working towards years ago. Though me a couple of years ago and me now are drastically different people. I also wholeheartedly believe in God’s timing and it being perfect.

I have a weird relationship with change.

By default, I can adapt fairly quickly to change. The first day or night after a change I struggle. For example, when I go from living in one place to another. My first night can be emotional. Afterward, I tend to be pretty adapted.

I think a lot of it is just me missing factors of the past that are unattainable.

I am one of those people who will watch the same shows on repeat. Extremely on repeat. I tend to watch a lot of those shows at the same time each year give or take a month or two.

Thanks to Netflix and Amazon originals I have a couple of shows that are from this lifetime ha. I just finished a show called Trinkets. It is a typical show about high school. Instead of wanting to go back to the time most of my go-to shows were filmed, it made me want to embrace the time that we are in now.

Embracing what is now can be so important. Whether you like it or not a lot of things done in the 90s won’t work now. Yes, a part of my heart breaks saying that.

If you spend so much time in the past you lose most of the present. I am constantly comparing myself to older pictures of myself thinking about how I wished I looked like that again. The thing is I was doing the same thing during the time those old pictures were taken. It’s a constant cycle. This time next year I’ll probably be looking at pictures from now and think about how good I looked when right now it can be a daily battle to think positive things.

I am a creative person. I will always be invested in the art and entertainment world. The thing with being in that world and wanting to grow in that world you have to be okay with change and chasing after the next big thing.

Chasing those things is what has been hard for me. I am afraid to want those things and even get those things and be happy. The last time I was free to be happy I lost my mom. Ever since I have been afraid to go after things on all levels of difficulty in achieving them. When I am happy it usually gets taken away on extreme levels.

It’s made me an all or nothing kind of person. Something I am working on in areas of life where being like that isn’t the healthiest.

I still have a way to overcome choosing to go for things that would make me happy. I was recently diagnosed with Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). It is a big reason why I tend to be up and down emotionally and mentally. Add that to the trauma.

I’m also an “I want it and I’m gonna get it,” kind of person. I have always had a picture of what I want from life. I think this has been a big motivator to keep growing and keep healing.

Life is scary. For a lot of us, this time especially with all that is happening globally. In ways, it is motivating to beat those fears. 2020 has shown how quickly life can change for the good and bad.

I’m thinking why not go for what fear is holding you back.