I Don’t Trust People

I had other things in mind about what I was going to write. Things that had more of an uplifting mood. Then I got sad and then I got mad. I don’t get mad often, but it happens.

I don’t trust people.

It takes me a while to trust someone. If something breaks that gained trust it is nearly impossible for my trust to be repaired. Someone broke my trust which then broke my trust in something. Something I wish nothing more to go back to trusting like I once did.

When trust is broken, you feel somewhat broken. That trusting someone or something took a part of you to then be broken. In my opinion, healing and repairing trust is one of the hardest things to do. I pray to God daily asking Him to heal this broken trust. Time will heal some, but ultimately I know it will be His doing.

I do think it is okay to be mad. I think it can be a vital part of healing. It’s when that anger takes away more than what you are mad about. Which for me when I get mad I then get really sad and empty. Broken feeling. When I go into this broken feeling things could go many different ways. I am thankful that these days the broken feeling doesn’t last as long, but it still happens. The thing about my antidepressant is that though it does help with a lot, I am still going to have my downs.

I don’t expect to ever be fully healed, for that I don’t think is possible. Parts of me are gone forever.

I feel things in extreme ways. Sometimes it is terrible. One of the reasons I went on medication was to dial down my emotions. Which for some people can make someone zombie-like, where for me makes me able to function (most of the time). I am probably still more emotional than the average person. Love that for me.

There are going to be many more days where I am mad. Where I am sad. Where I want to give up. How I respond to these and many more feelings now compared to how I once did is different. How someone gets through these feelings will be different for each person. Once upon a time I barely got through these feelings and would spend days, weeks, months, or even years feeling them. Now for the most part they last at most a few days to a week. I like to embrace the little things such as enjoying some coffee I ordered from Utah.

A little under two years ago I had less than sixty cents to my name. Here I am trying to get back there by buying a Cameo from Thomas Gibson ha. In all seriousness, the struggles do pass. New struggles do come, but nothing that you can’t handle. You have gotten through 100% of your hardest days.

There are many things that I may complain about in my life. The thing is most of the things I complain about are things I once prayed for. Daily when I complain about something, I will then shoot up a little prayer then praising God for that thing I was complaining about.

Believe it or not, a lot of life depends on what you do. I am an over-thinker. I will worry about so much that isn’t even happening. Especially when it comes to people. I have stopped myself from reaching out to people because I thought I was annoying them or wasting their time. I worry about a message someone has sent me. I will go to bed anxious about a message I haven’t even read because I can’t handle knowing what someone sent me. There have been times when I woke up and the message was the opposite of everything I was going to bed anxious about.

It is hard to trust people.

There is no getting around that. You are going to instinctively protect yourself. When you stop trusting people you lose out on a lot of things. Yes maybe you are protecting yourself from getting hurt, but you are hurting yourself on the goodness that life can bring.

I have seen the goodness of people throughout recent years. Goodness that without them I wouldn’t have survived this world on all levels. I was borderline living in my vehicle. A vehicle that was barely running without having its next problem. My next meal was sometimes unknown. All of these things showed me the goodness of people. Many people loved me in ways I never thought possible. I thank them for helping me get to where I am now.

I am not denying that there are plenty of people that might take advantage of you. But, there are many amazing people who will see something in you and invest in you, for a short time or a long time.

Take a chance on someone.