Find Love Together – Logan Briana

I think like most if not all people I have the want and need to control my life. Which is impossible, whether you believe in a higher power or not.

Most of my life has been out of my control. You could even say in a more extreme way than some people have experienced, but that doesn’t matter. With the lack of control that I have had, I then in extreme ways controlled other parts of my life. I have talked about the ways I have done so in other posts. A big one that I have done is randomly give away my stuff to other people. I think it has been my way of giving it away before it is taken away from me. For the most part, I don’t miss or even regret giving away these things. There are maybe one or two things I think about how it would be nice if I hadn’t given it away, or for a split second feel guilty about giving it away. Even those things to an extent are replaceable. I have parted with hundreds of books, most of which belonged to my aunt. I am not exaggerating when I say the amount that I have parted with could have filled a library. I gave away a series of books that I loved dearly but knew I wouldn’t read again. It was one of the first series that sparked my love for reading. Thirteen books in total. I loved them so much that I had once tried to reread them but I am not one to reread books very often. They went to an avid reader, so that makes my heart happy. But, I think out of anything I had owned as a child this book series was the only thing I might have enjoyed handing down to children of my own. Which me wanting to do that with anything is inexistent. I would say that this is probably one of my more unhealthy habits. I gave away some things that could even be considered a need. I currently don’t have things in my house (things everyone has and needs) that would be useful but instead I nonchalantly gave it away at one point. I’m surviving and not particularly missing much of what I have given away. Since I have now parted with most stuff, it makes it easier for me to control urges like giving away things of mine.

I excel in routine.

I can have a hard time staying in that routine. I didn’t realize how much I needed a routine until recently. I would notice I would be more clear-headed if I got into a routine that usually would involve a healthier diet and exercise. I just thought it was the exercise (which yes) but it was also the routine that exercising forces me into. If I am thrown off by a change in routine or spend less time on my self-care, I will usually fall off track. Something that can happen at any time. For the last few weeks or so I have been training towards a goal. While trying to reach this goal I have discovered some things about myself when it comes to some of my needs vital for my mental health to be at its best. Before I was training I was just trying to work out, running specifically, since I know it clears my brain. Then I began working towards the goal of strengthening my overall body. Finally, the goal to accomplish things I have wanted but never seemed to work towards. Unlike some people, I need to exercise and eat healthy to be okay. In the past and present when something throws me off, whether I am currently in a routine or not, it can take a few days for me to get back. In the past longer than that because I wasn’t working out or eating healthy to be okay. I was doing it to keep my weight at a certain point (well kind of since I am not a big calorie/ weight counter). This time I am doing it for me. The times when I am not feeling it I make myself put on the leggings and go for it. I know I will feel better afterward. Unless I find my body needing rest, which doesn’t happen often. This is something I can control. Something healthy. More so since I am doing it for myself. Not towards a goal in an attempt to please the world and its standards.

I will probably fall off my routine many times because life happens and I have no control over it.

I do have the control to getting back to my routine and sticking to it for as long as I can. I have control over my actions and how I respond to the parts of life that I have no control over. My word for 2020 ended up being control. It was focused on the goal of controlling my emotions. Later in the year, I found out why my emotions could at times be harder to control and more extreme. Life is a lot of controlling your thoughts and emotions. It is okay to feel your emotions. It is okay to express your thoughts. It is also important to be able to control them.

I don’t know what my word for 2021 will be. I do know that I will take all I learned about control this year and work on mastering it in the new year.

“The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we’re in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we’re not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence.”

Paul Auster