Breaking Generational Curses

One of my most asked questions, when people hear about my story, is what made me choose the opposite of those who raised me. Drug addicts and/or alcoholics on both my mother’s and father’s side. Then for a time in their life, some of them made an income being exotic dancers. For the most part, most of this lifestyle was before me. The thing about drug addicts, though they may be able to stop their addiction they still have the daily struggle. They also have a survival mentality that never seems to fully go away.

There are different ways that addicts become addicts. Two ways of being generational and environmental. I tend to group these two in my head since if someone comes from addicts then they are going to be in an environment fertile for an addiction to grow. Also, it’s proven that someone’s addictive personality will be passed onto their offspring. One of the ways to help stop that passing of addiction is for said offspring to not engage in addictive substances such as narcotics and alcohol. Doing so will help deter the next generation to develop an addiction. As generations continue, the addiction that is passed on diminishes as time goes on. I didn’t learn this until my junior year in college when I was double majoring in psychology and addictions counseling.

Until I learned this and my decision to abstain from drugs was solidified, I thankfully wasn’t too interested as I became a preteen and teen. I was though extremely curious as a child. I was very aware when certain family members were doing drugs (marijuana mainly) behind closed doors. They tried to keep it on the down-low, but I knew what was going on to an extent. I would ask to put a cigarette in my mouth and pretend to be smoking. Other non-drug-related things but still adult things captured my attention prematurely by being in the environment that I grew up in. There was one time when I was eight or nine when I took a Nyquil as a sleeping pill to go to bed. Something that could have easily turned into something more extreme, but thankfully didn’t.

I think what played a part in keeping me from being interested in drugs and the lifestyle they can bring was my dad. In my lifetime, he was the one who struggled with his addiction the most. He did more extreme drugs before me, but when I came into the picture pills became the primary addiction. He did suffer from pain, which played a part in the continuous relapse. My mom would allow him to live with us and be around me, but whenever he began to relapse she would kick him out wanting to prevent me from being around that. It was when my mom died that I witnessed firsthand how drugs can take from relationships. Unlike my mother, my aunt didn’t have any romantic attachment to my father. So, that made her unforgiving of his addiction. She had made the ultimatum that my dad could move across the country with us with the requirement of him not doing pills. If he failed then he would be left and the chance of seeing me again was close to nonexistent. He let the addiction win. I also don’t think he thought she would actually stick to her word and still let him come with us. We had already bought the house in the new state which was chosen with my dad in mind. I remember the day that my aunt gave him forty dollars to leave and never see me again. I remember being heartbroken watching him take the money and choosing to never see me again. Being the aware child I was, I didn’t blame him since I knew that he wasn’t capable of taking care of me. He knew that too, which was probably the main reason he didn’t fight for me. That was the moment that made me realize that I was never going to do any form of drugs. Even prescription drugs or over the counter drugs unless absolutely necessary. Also, the reason why it took years for me to even attempt any kind of antidepressant or anti-anxiety drugs. Anti-anxiety drugs were the ones that my dad and aunt let control their life in my presence.

So much dysfunction comes with addicts. In my experience, especially those that come from generational addiction. My mom and aunt came from an extremely alcoholic mother. My aunt receiving more of it than my mother. My mother living with their grandmother (my great grandmother) came with its dysfunction that has also been passed onto future generations. One being the extreme comparison to each other. This comparison put into us involved a decent amount of manipulation. My aunt was one of the worse manipulators. A reason being that she was completely unaware that she was. My mom and aunt were compared to each other by their mother and grandmother. In an unhealthy way that destroys someone’s self-worth or confidence. My aunt then did the same harm to her children (my cousin’s). Once my aunt was the sole guardian of me, she then did the same with me but with her children’s children. Her being unaware of making us feel this way. Yet, this comparison put on us puts a wedge between the siblings (or for me my cousins who I grew up with as if they were my siblings). This comparison is so rooted that some of us still struggle with comparing ourselves.

I grew up thinking I could do no good in my aunt’s eyes because I would never be as talented as my cousin’s oldest. She gave my cousin a future with her talents but never did the same with me. This plays a part in my believing I am not good enough and being below all of my cousins, but especially the one that I was compared the most to. Even now I find myself doing it, though now we are at a place in our lives that our paths have gone different directions that comparing our success would be like comparing apples and oranges. As time goes on it does get easier to not compare in such negative and extreme ways. I will find myself feeling the feelings that my aunt rooted in me. I cried many times that I was never as good as my cousin and never would be in my aunt’s eyes. After realizing how even something like the comparison between family members is part of generational dysfunction helped open things inside of me. Being stuck in this mentality of comparison, especially one as dangerous and self depriving as my family’s is destructive.

In a way like an addiction, overcoming this harmful mentality requires daily work that may last lifelong. Seeing it as something that I was born into and forced into helps me see it as another thing to stop from passing onto generations if I decide to have children.

I saw on Twitter a few weeks ago, “We are all children walking around in adult bodies.” It saddens me how true that statement is. I believe if there was more awareness about healing and what comes with that, there would be fewer children forced to grow up at a young age becoming another child walking in an adult body. Despite me dealing with all of the generational dysfunction given to me, I don’t blame those I come from. My aunt had no way of knowing how to heal and process what she went through healthily. She was a broken child trying to raise another broken child.

It is possible to overcome generational curses, but it doesn’t come easy.