I Give It To God

Sometimes you just need to go on an hour-long car drive with no particular route.

I had originally gone out to get my favorite vegan pizza. Then had decided to go to my cousins to then pass their house (don’t worry one day I’ll get your loaf pan back to you). Then I went on a bunch of side roads. Essentially knowing where I was but at the same time not. At one point I was driving on this side road (one of the few decently clear of ice and snow) surrounded on both sides with untouched fields of snow. Then on my left was the setting sun. A peaceful moment.

Though I feel like I am reflecting all of the time haha, I have been heavily reflecting and figuring things out recently. I tend to reflect a lot when changes are happening. Which since life is constant change is probably why I feel like I am reflecting all of the time. I just switched jobs. I am still at the same company and right down the hall from where I was. I didn’t go far. It will still be a change. A good change I believe. A lot has happened during the year and a half that I was at my last job. I don’t particularly blame my office, but being in this office was killing me. Like I said I don’t fully blame my office. Being understaffed for sure came with its stress. It was what I went through while working at the office (not one bit related to my office) that made me associate so much with what I went through with this office. My anxiety at the end was so bad. I shake my leg a lot when I am anxious and it has been nonstop for at least a month if not longer.

I do pray that my new position will help ease some of my anxiety. Like I said it isn’t a big change, but it will be somewhat a fresh start. I have a lot of work with forgiving my company as a whole.

While I was on that peaceful snowy drive it made me think about how well I know my way around some of the small towns in my county. Something that before you start driving you are so afraid of because you can’t seem to remember where anything is. Then once you are driving it sticks in your brain in ways you can’t imagine until you start driving. I am only a few months away from when my lease is up. I have been thinking heavily about what I am going to do once it’s up. I have come to love my little home. Though I do get an amazing value with how much I pay, I am in the constant go to work, pay your bills, and repeat. Since I do live in a smaller town, it can be hard to find a decent job with decent pay and benefits. Where I work is one of the few places in the surrounding areas that you get that.

I don’t know if I will stay in this little house or move somewhere else. For a bit, it was to move to the big city (Indianapolis). I don’t know. I am not a big, “God is telling me to do this.” Just because it makes me wonder if I am saying it is God wanting me to do it or just me wanting to do it. For once I am feeling something that may be God telling me to do. Something I am waiting on before I was to say it into the world in any form. What makes this time different than others is that part of me doesn’t like the idea, but yet I keep having this push to do it anyway. It’s scary. I am comfortable with where I am. I don’t have to worry about getting lost per se. I have been in the same spot for fourteen years. Each time I come back to my town that has become home, I get so happy to see the CVS and a mattress store that does not need to be there.

A lot can happen in three months. I don’t know if there will be a small change, big change, or no change at all. I don’t know, but God does. I’m going to admit I am not good at fully trusting God. Maybe this will be the year I fully give it to Him.