Unpacking The Boxes

I had a conversation with someone. It was a short “how have things been” conversation. They said that healing is like moving. When you move you don’t unpack every box at once. There tends to be a box or two that may take a bit to be unpacked. Maybe there is even a box that needs to be thrown away. All of the different feelings and struggles we have are categorized or put into different boxes.

I talked about the big move from Maryland to Indiana and how many boxes that were brought that didn’t get touched until a few years later. Some of those boxes full of the stuff that I had grown out of by the time the boxes were touched. So, all of the stuff I was holding on to for so long I ended up getting rid of. This person said that the same with healing. There are parts of what has happened to me that I am holding onto that I need to “throw away” and stop letting it clutter my mind.

I have been in the process of heavily purging my belongings. It’s been long-awaited as I have collected more things than I need or want. After spending a couple of years with a minimal amount of things, I was shown how simpler life can be when I have fewer things. Also, how freeing it can be (at least for me). I think every person wants to have a sense of freedom which looks different for each person. I think for me I feel that sense of freedom with a minimal amount of things. I think a reason I feel that sense of freedom with less stuff is it’s easier to pack it up in my car and drive away. Even if I may not do that or even want to at times.

I have become pretty good at just giving away stuff nonchalantly. It is the things that are on the sentimental side that I wish I could just store somewhere and not have to take with me everywhere. There are a few things like a singing purple teddy bear you get in a hospital gift shop. It was a gift I gave my mom when she was in the hospital. During some of her last moments before slipping into a coma, she played the bear so many times that the nurse turned it off. Then there are other things such as a glass bell that has my name and other details about my birth. Something that makes it irrelevant to anyone except me. I will pick something practical over cosmetic. A lot of the sentimental things that I have from when I was a baby are things that I feel like I would miss if I got rid of. At the same time in my head feel like a waste of space.

As time goes on the less sentimental attachment I have to some things so I have been able to let them go. In the last couple of weeks I have realized that as much as I may be attached to things, I want the freedom of having a small number of things more. Some of the moments I feel the most me are during times where I have what I need and that’s it. For example, when I came back from vacation to a van that didn’t start and had 98% of what I owned in it. Despite having the stress of my life falling apart as I didn’t have a vehicle or most of my things, I felt good in other ways. My van was in one town and I was living miles away in another town with no way of getting to my things. So, I was “stuck” with my necessities and for the most part content with that.

Even with movies, such as “Safe Haven,” I love the idea of moving to a new small town with nothing but a carry-on. Aside from the box or two of sentimental things and maybe some books, that wouldn’t be too hard of a thing for me. Well, that and my plants that are my children. I have this wooden toy box that my aunt made and painted. Something I have managed to hold on to. Even at times, I have found myself okay with letting it go. There are so many things that I thought I’d never be able to live without but have done just fine without. A lot of the things I give away I don’t usually wish I had back. Once I had looked for a shirt that I was wanting to wear and a few months later my cousin walks in wearing that shirt. Even then I was like, “Oh that’s where my shirt went,” but that was about it.

I have the thousands of pictures of my life before Indiana. I have some of my favorite childhood books that I want to have for the chance I decide to have kids. Then a few other things. The thing is if I were to decide to say goodbye to those things or they were lost another way, my memories are my memories. As I heal, I begin to remember more which feels like both a good and bad thing. The things that I have managed to keep that are more personal don’t change what has happened. Stuff doesn’t bring my family back.

I don’t plan to give away everything, specifically my more sentimental stuff, any time soon. If I did it wouldn’t make what I feel any less valid and my family any less real.

I have some boxes I need to decide what needs to be done with them, both physically and emotionally. It is okay if it takes me some time to go through them all.

I just have to take it one box at a time.