Trying to Understand God

I didn’t grow up in a religious home. I didn’t come from a religious background either. I remember the few times I went to church as a child. A church that had some scandalous rumors going around. When my dad lived with us, which was sporadic, would read me his bible. He had a lot of his own struggles but his relationship with God is what helped him get through. He wanted to make sure I knew about God. These readings were more in the background of me playing with my Barbie’s. These readings and I think my cousins who were miles away in the Midwest are the factors that in ways shaped my relationship with God. I talk to myself a lot, but a lot of the time I think my talking to myself is also me talking to God. Especially when I was younger. I remember spending hours in my room talking away to God.

I didn’t understand or know anything else aside from believing there was a God. Especially the time I was in Maryland while my mom was still alive. My mom or aunt at the time wasn’t the most religious. They were atheists at points in their lives. Which, when you come from the lives they did it would be hard to see there was God, let alone a God who is supposed to love you and bring you out of the darkness. It’s hard to see that when there is so much darkness.

I remember one time when I first moved to Indiana when I was at church and we were doing communion. Something, I didn’t understand at all. I took the “body” but not the “blood “part of communion. I remember my cousin’s husband getting mad that I did that, but my cousin probably understanding my background, told him to let it go. I think about this moment a lot. Shortly after I felt bad because I felt like I did something wrong (which you probably shouldn’t do what I did). As I got older and began to understand more as my faith developed this memory helped remind me of how far I’ve come.

Despite me believing and talking to God pretty simply, it is still weird to think about there being a God who is all-knowing. Then add all of the different variations and beliefs there are when it comes to being a Christian.

When I moved to Indiana after my mom died, I was around my cousins that I brought up earlier. My cousin came from a similar background as I did, as we were raised by the same people (different versions of those people). She wasn’t always a Christian, but by the time I was born she was. I love that she has been able to give herself to God in the ways that she has. I am thankful that I learned about God in the ways I did when first starting my walk with God. If you had to put a label on it, you would say she has a more conservative view of God.

As my faith has grown and I have developed my values and beliefs I am not as conservative as I once was. Though I don’t love putting labels on things such as this, especially in such a public setting. I feel like it can bring division.

What makes one denomination better than the other? All of them in one way or another have different views on what it takes to get to heaven. I have thought many times, “what makes my belief the correct one?”

I don’t think there is one right way.

We as humans are so diverse that it’s impossible to all universally believe in the same thing. Even when it comes to my cousin and me. Two people who grew up under that same human beings. No one understands growing up in the household I did as she does. Essentially, she grew up in the same household but around twenty years earlier. She knew how my aunt (her mom) could be like. She knew my mom (her aunt) probably better than I did. She understands how it is to come from that and then converting to Christianity. Though we understand each other in that way, we process and handle things probably as different as two people could. That has made it hard for us to be close at times. The fact that two people who came from the same people have different beliefs and processes, let alone the billions of others who don’t come from what we do.

Any form of religion is a huge thing to grasp.

I have had to rebuild my relationship with God after some things happened a couple of years ago. I find myself becoming thankful for the times that have knocked down some walls in my relationship with God. I am then able to rebuild those walls even stronger.

There have been many times where I could have turned away from God and Christianity. A lot of people have. The sad thing is I can see and even understand why they did. Understanding that I think has helped me become the Christian I am and will evolve into.