Dear 2021

What a year you were.

It seems like you lasted more than 365 days.

I don’t recognize the person I was at the beginning of this year. Like each year I feel so much older and wiser.

In ways, this year was more draining than the infamous 2020. A lot more uncertainty as the world attempted to go back to a normal that will never be.

Despite the uncertainty of the world, I became more grounded in who I am. Despite the multiple attempts to move away from the midwest. For some reason, I don’t think that is in the cards for me, at least for now. I have to learn how to be content with that.

There is no right path. No specific thing that you need to achieve. Though most of the time there may be a feeling you are failing if you’re not achieving something.

A part of being able to move forward is being able to let go of what makes you go backward.

I can be bad at this. Despite being a dreamer for the future, I still spend a lot of time in the past. It often feels safe there.

For me, a lot of the people and animals who loved me the most are in my past. That is hard. Sometimes I feel like I am in denial despite it being fifteen years since I began my journey of grief and loss. I had the privilege to watch my friend’s dogs a few times. One of her dogs Marley, a golden retriever, showed me that I could love deeply despite the loss. I am a dog person and those who know me know that my childhood dog, also a golden retriever, was my soulmate. I truly believe that. Marley though taught me that I could have another soul mate. Me loving Marley so deeply doesn’t mean I love those I have lost any less.

If I can love Marley, a dog that isn’t even mine, I can’t even imagine how much I may love a dog or child that is my own.

It’s been roughly two years of having a family “adopt” me as one of theirs. I’ve slowly begun to feel the safety net I lost when my aunt died come back. That sense of safety is so essential for development. Something I haven’t had for a while. In some ways not since my mom died over fifteen years ago.

Having this security has helped me embrace who I am. Still much of the time I am terrified to be me. I wanted to make sure people liked me so I kept a lot of the intimate parts to myself. I didn’t want to lose people whether they were close or not to me because that meant I would be alone. Even more than I already was.

I just wanted to be loved. I wanted a family.

A family that my cousins weren’t able to provide. I had to distance myself from them. That was hard but necessary. I needed to stop myself from expecting something that wasn’t going to be there.

I spent Christmas with my cousins for the first time in a couple of years. The longest I have stayed with them in a couple of years as well. It was only three days, but those three days wore me out. Despite being drained at the end of it, I had one of the best times I’ve ever had with them.

I have always been aware of my emotions but understanding them hasn’t always been the easiest.

I take things personally even if they aren’t at all personal or deep. That can be hard to handle especially in a house full of people who are all dealing with their own emotions and stressors. I am also an empath which means I feel the emotions of those around me deeper than some people.

When you are feeling all of these emotions it can sometimes feel that it is those people’s fault. The first evening I was there there were twenty plus people. Then I was up past my normal bedtime on top of not having my typical routine. Which I don’t do good without at all. When most of the people left I ended up in one of the bedrooms. The bedroom I tend to gravitate towards if I do stay with my cousins. I was full of anxiety and I was close to crying and I honestly wanted to go home. I put in my AirPods while I lied on the floor in the cool room. While I was feeling these things I had to tell myself that even if I was home and not overstimulated I would still have the anxiety and urge to cry. As nights are my hardest time of the day. For one of the first times, I was able to separate my feelings from my cousins. They weren’t the true cause of why I was feeling the way I was.

I think being able to be yourself despite what people may think is necessary for healing from whatever needs healing. Also, accepting that where you are may not be where you thought you would be. It is still possible that you may be able to accomplish what you are wanting to. Or even something you couldn’t have imagined comes instead.

Also, finding the person or persons that you can be your authentic self helps. I hope that if you didn’t find them that 2022 brings you to them.

XOXO

“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.”
Haniel Long