Day by Day

Life goes so quickly.

Especially when all of the days blend into each other.

I had a doctor’s appointment. While I was waiting in the exam room I thought about how long I had been going to this doctor. I started going to this doctor with the possibility of being put on medication, which I was. Like most routine appointments you make another appointment so many months ahead. When I made an appointment last January for six months after I never thought I would still be in the midwest. I was hoping once my lease was over I’d move out to one of the coasts. Then that July appointment came and I made another one for this past January. It’s been a year and a half of me making these appointments for checkups on where I am with my medication.

It’s crazy for me to think how long it sometimes feels like we’ve been in a covid world. At the same time starting something during this time such as going to a doctor regularly doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. I was waiting in that room and it dawned on me just how long it had been and how the two-year mark in July is going to come quickly.

I feel behind in life most of the time. The thing is I believe most people do, especially those my age.

I am at a job that pays the bills. I am thankful for that, but it’s not a job I want to retire from. It’s not at a place I want to retire from. I am at a place where that is a normal thing to do. People come to this place and end up staying for most if not all of their working life. That is okay and satisfying enough for some people. I used to be one of those people so I understand. It does give a sense of security. For a lot of the jobs, you can leave your responsibilities at work and come home and be home.

That sense of security and ordinary can be comforting.

I am trying to embrace my current situation (not that it is a terrible situation). Romanticize my life if you will. I have a lot of different interests and goals. That can make it difficult to narrow down to “what can I do now”. That doesn’t have to be an extreme step, which if you know me I am an all or nothing kinda person so I’m not good with that. A lot of the time the most important step is starting. The thought of how long something might take can hinder me from doing something. Me being in survival mode so much of the time plays a part in this.

I am currently taking a seven-week class that occurs on the weekends. I thought that is seven weekends I ”lose” but in reality, seven weeks isn’t that long. Plus, if I didn’t I most likely would have spent those weekends watching tv. Not that it is a bad thing, but why not do something that helps me grow. This class will hopefully open my options, job-wise as well. Which then will hopefully help me reach other short-time goals I have.

Recently, I have had to let go of some of my dreams. In a way, I am mourning them. Though I do hope some of them will become possible again in the future, some I don’t think will and that is hard to go through. Some of these I have wanted for most of my life, but with where I am now in life they will probably not work for me.

I am trying to get back to doing some of the things that make me happy, and maybe add some new things. I’m not good at being in the moment and always expect things to change in the near future. This prevents me from doing new or old things. Before I know it I have “wasted” valuable time I could have been doing something else that I enjoyed or learning a new or old skill. I’m trying to cook more and learn new recipes in hopes to enjoy cooking instead of ordering out at the local Thai restaurant.

A lot of life is taking it day by day.

I have short-term and long-term goals. But I also know anything can change. While not forgetting my goals, I am trying to not focus on them as much. Not where I am not working on them but to where I am letting each day take me where it wants. When focusing so much on what you want to achieve you lose sight of what’s going around you. There is also the possibility you miss something that may lead you to your goals.