What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Hello old friend. It’s been a minute.

I have sat down multiple times now in an attempt to write something. Anything. But nothing came out. It’s not even because I didn’t have anything to write.

It’s been a wild year so far.

I have struggled mentally but in ways I haven’t before. Ways I can’t really explain. Maybe that’s why nothing has come out. My brain hasn’t been able to process what’s happening. I’ve felt weird. Off. Not my usual self.

I think I have wanted to keep some things about myself private which is the opposite of what I have done in the past.

A lot of firsts have happened since I last posted. I went to NYC for the first time in April. A childhood dream was fulfilled. If you knew me when I was younger all I wanted was to move to New York. I was obsessed with the city.

I also recently visited Connecticut. Though my visit was cut short since I got into my first car accident. Thankfully it was minor and surprisingly not my fault. I decided to head back home right after. Then twelve hours later a raccoon ran in front of my car which ended up doing more damage. It was also the first animal I hit with my car.

I have had the pleasure of visiting my home state of Maryland twice this year. Each trip I come back learning something about myself.

This year has been full of trying to figure out what I want from life.

A lot of thinking about where I want to move. Let’s be honest that’s the number one thing I talk about.

For a while, it was just to get away from Indiana. At one point just picking up and going was easier because I had less attachment to people. Thankfully I do live in a world where technology allows me to communicate with those I love. I am not good at that. Also, quality time is one if not my top love language. I know that my relationship with those who have become my family won’t change if I left. But it wouldn’t be the same as me just driving a few minutes to their house or job. You miss out on events when you live further away. I think part of me doesn’t want to lose that.

I do think I am getting to a place in my healing where I might need to change up my life a little to grow in ways my current life isn’t allowing me to. For the first time in the many years of me talking about moving away, I have considered moving but still staying in Indiana. Which I think says something.

I do love the little town I live in. But it is little and doesn’t give much for me to grow.

The other day my friend asked me about what I want to do with my life and as a source of income. I had no answer.

Since I was sixteen all I could think about was being a cop. Everything in me wanted that. After the last few years and just how those years have changed me, I don’t know if I could handle being a cop. I have been mourning the fact that I probably won’t be something I dreamt about for so long.

I think it’s figuring out what I want to do after only thinking about one thing. The other things that I have enjoyed and shown interest in. Up until I was sixteen I wanted to be a veterinarian. I have looked into vet tech programs. That would allow me to get science credits. Which I could then try to go all the way and become a veterinarian. Or get my masters in Marine Biology which is another thing that I never get tired of. If I could spend my entire life on the ocean discovering it I would.

I already have my bachelor’s and I barely made it through college to do that. Though I think I would be a better student now than when I was fresh out of high school. Still, school is a lot. Especially when you need to work full time and deal with the hardships of life without adding school to the mix.

I am in quite a bit of debt with student loans as it is. This time around I want to make sure I am being financially smart and doing what I want to do. I know to an extent that having a degree helps me in the workforce but at the same time, I feel like my degree has done nothing.

I ended up working at a university pretty much right out of college. So now my work experience is in higher education. Do I want to try to find a part of higher education where I could see myself being happy? Or find and pursue what I really want to do. I have looked at master’s programs that would possibly allow me to move more into an area at a college that I might enjoy more.

I have discovered that though I still don’t have a lot holding me down to one place, I do have things that make me want to be more settled down.

I have been in the same house for over three years now. That has allowed me to settle down in ways that I wasn’t able to when I was moving places every few months. Such as my plants. I have noticed that some of the ideas I once had were easier or more attainable when I had my few aloe plants instead of what has grown into almost thirty plants and not just aloes. My plants have become one of my priorities when it comes to what I want to do. I still would love to live in a van. Figuring out how to do that but also allowing me to bring my plants with me is another thing.

The more I heal. The more I travel. The more I realize just how much of this world I have yet to experience.

I don’t want to look back on my life and see that I let my trauma hold me back from doing what I wanted.