Pieces of My Heart

Apparently, I had to go back to school to start writing again. My third post in less than a month. What? Probably because I need my head to be clear in order to do school work and in order for my head to be clear I need to write.

I don’t know about you but I tend to get anxious or jumpy when the seasons begin to change. It’s as if I feel like my life should change with the seasons. In ways, it does as each season brings out a different part of me. I tend to miss Maryland even more than usual during this time of year. The transition from winter to spring also means another year I have been in the house I thought I would only be in for a year and then move on. Though I wholeheartedly believe I have been in a place necessary for me it still doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am wasting time in a place that won’t ever feel like home.

Then again will I ever feel at home in any place? Possibly not.

I might just have to deal with some of my feelings for the rest of my life. Also, I think those feelings can sometimes be good. They help me reevaluate my situation and help determine whether or not I am satisfied with my life. Even if my life may not look like it’s changed too much. It has. I have. How I handle these feelings have changed. I like to think I am not as extreme. Until recently my Zillow app wasn’t downloaded onto my phone which for an avid Zillow user says something.

One of the hardest things for me is to be present. I have been trying to be present despite knowing I won’t ever plan on staying where I am. For one I have been trying to leave for many years and if I had been present how different would life have been? I also know how I feel on the inside and what things and places make me happy.

My baby cousin video called me today for the first time in a few months and it also confirms many of my feelings. No one makes me feel as whole as my Maryland family. I have witnessed and felt that family doesn’t equal blood. I have made a family that isn’t blood. There are just things that you have with blood family that you will never be able to have with those who aren’t blood. I know if I ever did move back to the east coast or somewhere else I would struggle to be away from the family I have made here. They know parts of me that my blood family doesn’t.

Right after my aunt died, despite it being the hardest time, it was also the most freeing. I didn’t have anything or anyone holding me back. I didn’t have anyone that I was truly afraid of losing. All I had to do was worry about myself and how I spent my life. Now I have to learn how to live my life for me but also handle that I have people I worry about again. It’s not easy. Especially for me who does love deeply even if I don’t particularly show it.

The older I get the more I begin to accept that life is giving pieces of your heart away. Those pieces you most likely won’t get back and in ways that is how life is supposed to be.

“So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.”
Haniel Long