Find Love Together – Logan Briana

People ask me, “What do you want to do with your life?” Generally, I respond, “I don’t know.”

Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it’s not.

A lot of my goals died with my mom. I have spent a lot of my time trying to accept that. Though I was young I had a picture of how I wanted my life to look like. Most of those things aren’t possible and in the past.

My wants did shift as I got older but like life, they shifted again.

I had one career path in mind for over ten years. I was close to achieving it a few times. I still consider going down that path or one similar. At the same time, I am trying to accept that realistically it won’t be a path I end up going. A decision I partially think is a smart one for me. It is a decision that is painful. A decision that I am afraid I might regret that I didn’t at least go for. I think other areas in my life need to be more of a priority than me going for that career path. Areas and feelings that are new but good. I would have to sacrifice them if I tried to go for that “dream” job. I have spent a good amount of time mourning the fact that I won’t be doing what I spent half of my life wanting to do.

When I first became interested in this job I hadn’t processed any of the death that I had experienced. I was somewhat cold emotionally, something that could be useful in ways for the career field I was wanting to go in. Sometimes I feel like I was more level-headed back then. I am an emotional person but wasn’t able to embrace that until I healed later on. This also means I have had to learn how to handle my emotions later than most people. I have always been super aware of them but dealing with them and even accepting them was not always the case.

Most of my life has been spent focused on healing. I haven’t had much time to focus on much else. Even as “healed” as I am I still find myself being mad at myself for not reacting to things like I feel I should. That trauma or unconventional way of living still comes up in my everyday life. I am thankful that it doesn’t look like it once did, but it is still there in ways (some that I am still discovering).

I always say a lot of my problems would be solved if I moved back to Maryland. I also know there would be issues created. I do have a community where I am. Some are people that I think are vital to my healing and happiness. In ways I think even moving away from the town I am in would be an adjustment and hard. It’s also not an easy town to live in and is limited in opportunities such as jobs. There are a decent amount of places to work but with a livable wage not really. I work at one of the best places in the town and I still don’t make enough money. Realistically, I should have a second job. I do random jobs and sell my stuff, but that only goes so far. It is the lack of security that pushes me to become scatterbrained and dive back into survival mode. I am in one of those periods of life. I just don’t make enough money to cover the bills that I have. I run out of money before I even buy food or fun things most of the time. If I get paid on Friday that money is spent on bills before the weekend if even over.

I am thankful that I have made it without a roommate. At the same time, I am extremely blessed with the amount of money I spend on rent and utilities. If that were to shift at all I would have to change everything in my life. That is at the back of my brain most of the time. That does play a part in how I act and handle things.

The other way to make decent money aside from the job I am at is in healthcare. Even then you would need to work on going up the food chain in the healthcare field. The bottom is doable but again does about as well as my current job.

I have considered the healthcare field many times. I almost became certified as a CNA (would have if I hadn’t been hired at the workplace I am at right now/if the testing instructor showed up the day I was supposed to do testing). I am a certified phlebotomist. The healthcare field isn’t my favorite, but in ways that aren’t common. If I went in it I know I would like it and be good at it. That isn’t the issue. It’s knowing how wasteful (in necessary ways) and unsustainable environmentally that the medical field is. I am an environmentalist at heart. It is also hard to be sustainable when you struggle financially and whatever life situations may contribute. I have had to not fixate on some of that. At least with where I am in life currently.

If I did go the path I am considering, I would be going back to a place I do love and enjoy. I would also be going to some unknown and newness. Maybe it’s time for me to change it up a little. I am working on doing little changes and not changing every aspect of my life at once.

I do enjoy who I work with. That has been a big part of why I have stayed as long as I have. That and Covid happened and it was consistent in a bunch of unknowns. Covid happening played a big part in my healing and why I can even work at the place I work at. The issues I have are still there and come up. Going into the office sometimes is the hardest thing for me to do. The school takes up a huge part of my town. I practically live on campus. It can sometimes be a huge trigger and I spend a lot of my time doing everything in me to not want to die.

A part of me would heal if I didn’t have to work at a place that constantly puts me in pain being there. It is frustrating because most of who I am around is not the cause of my pain and trauma. In my head, everything is connected because of the trauma. I was away from it for a few months (though some of the hardest financially) parts of me felt free. A feeling I don’t ever feel.

If I could never work would that be wonderful? Yes.

That will probably never happen. Even if I found someone that allowed me to do that my independent self wouldn’t like it. Even if a sum of money fell into my lap I would probably work in some form.

I don’t want to be rich. I want a mundane life. I have had enough chaos for several lifetimes in the short amount of time I have been in this one. If I could get to the point where I could own the house I am currently in with a dog and a job (that pays enough) that I can leave when I clock out. That is what I want.

The job I had wanted for half of my life wouldn’t be that kind of job. For a while, I was a workaholic. I can be one when I do enjoy my job. At the same time, I have come to allow myself to enjoy other parts of life. Parts of life that I don’t get when I spend it in survival mode and in the heart of my trauma or struggle.

I had to spend most of my savings on my car recently. It was more than I’d ever want to spend, especially where I am financially. I had the money. I was able to spend the money I needed on my car. It wasn’t an ideal situation but it was a situation that four years ago would have looked so differently. Sometimes even during the hardships of adulthood, I am thankful for it. Those hardships look different than they once did. I can only hope I can keep them that way.

I do sometimes compare myself with others my age where some look to be in a better place financially than I am. They had different obstacles than I did (not saying mine are worse or harder than theirs). A lot of them are married which means they are in a dual-income home. Something I am not. I may have extra anxiety right now because of money. I am also in a place that I four years ago could only dream about. Who knows what me in four years will accomplish that I can only dream about?

“Our moral responsibility is not to stop the future, but to shape it. To channel our destiny in humane directions and to ease the trauma of transition.”

Alvin Toffler