Breaking Out of the Box

I have always been the kind of person who needed everything to be put neatly in a box. If it didn’t fit that box it felt wrong. I felt like I wasn’t doing the right thing if things didn’t fit the box I thought life needed to look like.

This was reflected in how I dressed, decorated my home, viewed people, and much more.

I think the homes I grew up complicated this. For the first decade of my life I was in a non-religious home and then almost overnight was put into a conservative Baptist kind of home and one that had a mix of both.

A lot of the time I feel like I have had to shift between the two lives. A lot of who I am today was developed in those first ten years. I have had to learn how to mesh that part of me into the parts of me post-death of my mom. I’ve been in a religious environment for seventeen years. An environment I cherish and respect. Also, an environment that can but harmful and has been for me in a few situations.

The box I have tried to fit in for most of my life is a religious one. That box looks different for each person. Some people can fit and are made to fit into that religious box. People with lives that have been harder or have experienced that human side of religion have a harder time fitting into that box.

Me trying to fit into a box whether it be religion, a certain group of people, societal norms, etc isn’t good for me. I have learned it holds me back. It affects how I interact with people or how much or little I let people into my life.

I have spent the last few years trying to heal my religious trauma or at least learn how to not let it trigger me as often. To an extent, time will and has played a big part in how I handle that trauma or how I let it handle me.

Last year was a big year in my healing from everything. I tried to be me and let me be seen. Whether that fit or not in any of the environments I may have been in. The base of who I am is love and loving me and those around me for who they are. I am thankful for each person who has told me that I am one of the safest people they know.

I have been around my fair share of unsafe people and they to an extent gave me their trauma on top of the death and chaos I already had to deal with.

Healing from those people in ways is harder than dealing with the death of all those I have lost. I am grateful to know and believe that I was extremely loved by those I mourn and will continue to mourn. Those deaths (especially my mom’s) did alter my brain. At the same time, some of my past relationships altered how I thought and interacted with people. I had to relearn and determine what was healthy and unhealthy when it came to interacting with people.

For many years I had to step away from most people to reevaluate. Despite being in such an uneasy time, most of those years were during COVID. In ways, the pandemic allowed me to heal in ways I might have never been able to.

I have always been ashamed of myself. Though I wouldn’t say I have anything to be ashamed of and if I did shouldn’t feel that or let it control my life. I always think I am doing the worst out of everyone and anyone could find someone better. Yet, not in a victim mentality. It’s weird. Those around me have probably witnessed those thoughts. Such as my boss at work. Anytime she calls me into her office she starts with “You’re not in trouble,” because she knows that’s my immediate thought despite me not doing anything that would get me in trouble.

When I do notice these thoughts now, I try to be like “This is me. You can love it or hate it.”

To an extent, I’m not gonna be able to change or fit into whatever box someone else wants me to fit in. Yes, there is always room for growth in all ways. The way I love people, the things I like, and some of my habits, are what make me who I am. I got tired of trying to hide those things for the chance someone might not like me for that or judge me.

I will be judged. I will be disliked. And so much more.

After I chose to care less about those things and embody what I like and my feelings I began finding others who are similar to me in one way or another.

I also had to accept that to find people meant for you that can also mean you might have people who don’t stay in your life. Whether it be old relationships or new and short-lived relationships.

I do have that fear of letting someone into my life and having to say goodbye (which given my past is a fair fear lol). That fear has stopped me from developing relationships with people. I also get attached to people fast so the deeper/longer that connection lasts the harder it can be for me to recover from not having them in my life.

This year I have worked on letting people in and having conversations with people. Despite not knowing whether it will lead to something deeper or not. Some people aren’t meant to stay in your life for a long time. Though those are the people I’d prefer because I’m trying not to trauma dump on everyone. Also, I am such a ride-or-die kind of person.

I have had a few short-lived interactions this year which I tend to usually avoid. Even those short interactions with people have taught me things. Some of the short interactions lead to something more which wouldn’t have if I chose to not open up. For a while, I didn’t know how to interact with someone without trauma dumping. When I chose that I didn’t want to do that (as if most of my life story isn’t on the internet) I didn’t know how to interact with people.

I’ve been my trauma for so long.

I am no longer in a place where my trauma needs or should be the center of everything I do. Sometimes it makes me think, “Am I now boring because I’m getting all healed up?”

Who am I without being in the heart of the pain and trauma? It feels wrong to be happy. To be “normal.” As if anyone is normal.

What is normal?

When I stopped trying to fit into a box it allowed me to stop putting people into boxes.