The Little Girl in Me

Despite my life not looking like I thought it would, I am living out the life little me couldn’t wait to live.

There are a lot of days lately I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Not in a bad way. I look and I see a woman I didn’t think I’d be able to be. Sometimes I see the little girl in me looking back. The little girl that had plans. Plans that were derailed in the months it took for her mother to get sick and pass away. Now that little girl can be seen again after being abandoned.

I think about the personality that I had as a child. The things I enjoyed and let myself enjoy. Things in my head that are frivolous. Like getting my nails done. Letting myself enjoy pretty things. The parts of mom that were being put in me at the beginning. The girly things.

My aunt was the opposite. The most manly woman you’d ever meet. Those things quickly went away. I started to enjoy more of the boyish things. If I did do girlier things it wasn’t celebrated. Not in a negative way but no excitement. If I did it was me doing it by myself and I’d rather do things that my aunt would agree to do with me. Sometimes it would be money reasons. Now, I see myself choosing not to spend money on those girly things. There isn’t anything wrong with that but that little girl once enjoyed doing that.

I don’t have a lot of memories involving my mom. A lot of the memories I do have are of us doing the girly mother-and-daughter things. I remember I was on an outing for Girl Scouts but we had to fit me in getting a pedicure. I ended up walking into what I believe was a Jo Ann Fabrics wearing yellow salon flip-flops with wet red toes to meet up with my troop.

I am now a mixture of girly and boyish.

Though, I was always a mix. I did the boy things with my dad. I loved watching Bob the Builder. I had over a hundred box cars with the rug that looked like a town. My favorite video games involved racing cars. I went through a phase in fourth grade where all I wore was boy clothes and not in the cute way people do today.

I look back at myself as a child and I was doing and wanting to do all of the girl things too. The things I saw girls in movies do. Things I began to think were immature or not important. Normal and okay things. To me, it wasn’t a necessary thing to do or be. As I got older, I began to look at other girls and wish I could let myself enjoy more of those girl-type things.

I believe with or without my mom, I’d still have a more masculine side. She would have helped me keep the girl parts a little more. Maybe more parts of her would have been in me.

I don’t know if being girly requires me to feel safe or something. I have begun to notice myself allowing me to be “girly.” I bought a candle from Bath & Body Works. I am allowing myself to buy skin care products. I catch myself admiring flowers.

Dainty things.

I got into K-dramas a couple of years back (but especially in the last year or so). Then at the beginning of the year, I got into BTS. I think both have allowed me to let go a little. Be childlike in ways. Allow me to let myself focus on the less practical parts of life.

I think a lot of Asian culture is like this, but Korean culture especially, makes some of the most mundane things look extravagant compared to America. Such as camping. I think more for short trips, but their campsite is prettier and more decorated than my house. It’s little things like that I see myself wanting but stopped letting myself have or do. A lot of that stopped when I began moving several times a year and I felt it wasn’t practical to keep the decor stuff. So, I am still trying to let myself want that again.

Seeing parts of Korean culture has reminded me how the littlest things like that can make a difference. I also think I am afraid to let myself want it. A lot of the time I am afraid to let myself want things because I am afraid I’m going to lose it like I have in the past.

In case you didn’t know that if you get into K-pop you’re going to find yourself wanting or buying things that can be unnecessary. Especially, if you are into a more popular group like BTS. In today’s age, buying a CD is not a necessary thing. Realistically, you aren’t going to use it. In my head, that is a waste of money. A waste of space that you are filling in your home. Yet, I somehow bought the CD and vinyl version of Namjoon’s (aka RM and leader of BTS) solo album Indigo. I don’t have a CD player or record player but for some reason, I had to have these physical copies. Partially, for the photo cards and related stuff because somehow I am now someone who cares about photo cards of Korean idols.

That little girl wanted nothing but to grow up and be an adult. Little did she know that she’d grow up and do the things necessary to keep the little girl in her alive.