Being Born Into Addiction

A lot of the time now I can forget about all of the trauma that I have had to go through and witness. Sometimes I am reminded when someone asks the right question that opens it all up. For me, it’s my life but for most people, you can see their faces as they attempt to process the trauma. There are days when I will see the addiction in me. Though I haven’t gone through addiction myself, I was born into it and have witnessed what that mindset does to a person.

People say addiction is a choice. No, it isn’t. For me, a child who was born to two parents who dealt with drug addiction those addiction tendencies are in me. I have spent so much of my energy being hyperaware of what I am consuming. I am predisposed to falling into addiction. I do have thoughts that are similar to those with extreme addiction. Let’s be honest, we all have our addictions. It isn’t always drugs. The thing I go towards when I am feeling down and need a pick me up is getting a way too expensive drink I could make at home. I will have 5 dollars to my name but will spend the last of my money on that drink. I have also gone into savings many times just for that drink that makes me feel better.

When I catch myself with those thoughts I am reminded, “Oh yeah you come from who you come from.”

There are plenty of people who have a Starbucks addiction and don’t come from drug addicts. BUT for someone who does I have to be careful. I witnessed the harm that my dad, mom, and aunt did to their children (who weren’t me) and how they carry that with them to this day. All of them look different, but all of them have done a lot to overcome their parents being at the heart of their addiction during their childhoods and later on. I witnessed my dad and my aunt the most, but it was mainly pills and not harder stuff that my siblings and cousins experienced.

My mom lost her husband and first child to a house fire because of her addiction. She carried that guilt with her until the day she died. I have read a lot of those feelings in the journals she had attempted to write.

I am not as anti-anything that could be addictive as I once was, but I do believe the reasons you consume something play a big part. I ask myself a lot, am I consuming this (and this could be a range of things, not just drugs or alcohol) because I am sad or because I enjoy it? Like anything that isn’t for everything. I can put on a show because I am sad and that isn’t particularly a bad thing. If I am continuously going to Starbucks for a drink because I am sad and I don’t have the finances to do so, then I should try to replace that with something that fits better for my life at that time.

I fixate on things. That could be the addiction. It could be because I am most likely neurodivergent in one way or another. Or both. I will say most things I fixate on aren’t harming me. I am also far enough in my healing that I could try to work on some of those habits and let in new and healthier experiences.

Could I spend hours and hours alone watching my TV shows and doing my skincare or other hobbies? YES. Would I pick that over most things that involve me interacting with people? Yep. That isn’t harmful. It’s my happy time. It brings me the most joy. There are benefits of spending time with people or doing new things. It can either confirm that you don’t find joy in these things or you might find something else you enjoy.

For me because of the trauma I either experienced or was born into I have had to rediscover a lot of things. Many parts of me stayed the same despite it all, but other things have shifted. Both are okay.

Life isn’t going to always look like how you wanted. There are going to be things that are a part of you but may not fit your current life. I know for me, I want to hold onto so much of my past partially because that is my way of keeping my family alive. There are parts of that life that don’t fit me. Accepting that is hard. It’s as if I am choosing to walk away from my family and who I am. If I don’t walk away I will be stuck. Stuck in that trauma. The generational addiction and so much more (if you know you know).

I love people so deeply. It can be hard for me to say no to someone despite it not being the best thing for me. I am doing much better than in the past. If I am not doing what’s best for me and my journey then I can’t do what’s best for others. There are many times when I may come off as cold or selfish (probably not as much as I feel like I am lol). I have had to learn how to put boundaries up. You can have boundaries with those you love the most and still have a healthy and deep relationship.

Those boundaries don’t make me love someone any less, if anything they allow me to love them better.