What Even Was 2023?

Each year is so different. Not at all what I pictured. 2023 was no different. I couldn’t have predicted half of what happened.

If January 2023 me had a chat with December 2023 me she’d be shocked by all that happened. Yet if you were to ask I still said not much happened anytime when asked. In the moment nothing felt big. I didn’t go on any trips. I stayed home a lot of the time. Spent a lot of time with a select group of people. Worked my main job plus some animal sitting and camera work. I kept busy.

There were a few times throughout the year when I struggled mentally. Nothing new. Not something I’ll ever be able to avoid. I have plenty of dates and things that can trigger me. Each year is different.

2023 was the year I let go a little bit. I actually agreed to go on a date with a boy. If you know me I am usually an anti-boy and anti-anything relationship. I had a few dates with other guys as well throughout the year. I kissed someone for the first time in many years. I did things that “normal” people do that I usually like to avoid more than anything. Partially, because I have spent most of the recent years healing from life and someone. I even felt things for a couple of people and didn’t want to run in the other direction. Usually, whenever I feel anything that makes me feel out of control I like to end it quickly. I usually feel stupid when I feel those things. Such as liking someone (which I rarely like someone to begin with). I have never been able to act like a teenage girl and always thought I could be using those thoughts and emotions on something else. I let myself act like a teenage girl (yes I am in my 20s) and let myself feel things. I was also able to not criticize myself for it. For one it is a healthy and normal thing to go through. I never thought I’d experience that let alone this past year.

I had several people ask if I was in a relationship or married yet. Nope.

I did have several people throughout the year that I got to know and talk with. Each time I learned something about myself. Each time I talked with these people it was the longest I had ever gone (it still wasn’t that long but I usually only last a few days). It’s kinda wild. I think back to the first person I talked to at the beginning of the year aka the one who got me to go on a date. We made it maybe 3 of weeks talking. Those weeks felt long. Not in a bad way but because it was the longest I had ever gone without ghosting someone which I didn’t ghost a single person in 2023. Go me. Then the most recent person I talked to a month had passed soooo quickly. I know who the person is can play a part but it reflects how much I grew and how I was able to interact with someone else.

I know despite being in a pretty good place in my healing, there are still things that need to be worked on. Some of those things are going to be continuous probably for life. I was also shown some things that I do that maybe I shouldn’t do and need to work on. Such as fighting for myself and not letting things no matter how small add chaos or hurdles in my life. I know life happens. There are so many things that I just let happen. Partially because in my head I need that chaos or hardship because that is all I know. Also part of me doesn’t believe I deserve a good life. I didn’t have hot water for a few months (for a bit it wasn’t too bad because it was during the summer). Then it got colder but if it wasn’t for a bigger issue that I let my landlord know about I would have gone longer without letting him know. If you know me I love my showers but I love my HOT showers. It was the first hot shower after months of cold ones where something in my brain shifted a little. Why did I deprive myself of something that is for one a basic need but also something that brings me so much joy? I did that. No one else. It was fixed days after I let my landlord know.

There are many little things that I just let happen. A lot of the time I don’t fully realize. I have had to adapt so much to life that it doesn’t seem odd when easy fixable things get in the way. They aren’t “that bad” so until they get annoying or bigger I let them happen.

I also turned on my AC over the summer. The first time in a few years. Mainly so I can save money because life is expensive and for some reason each summer I am struggling extra money-wise despite my spending habits not changing. I have a feeling having a cooled house helped make the summer more enjoyable. It was weird. Usually, summer is my least favorite which is unfortunate because my birthday is in July. That is also a big reason why I don’t like the summer. That and the fact that I am rarely around or in water. Growing up in Maryland surrounded by water makes the lack of water even more sufferable. I usually miss Maryland more during the summer.

The summer wasn’t too unbearable. The shift from cooler weather to warmer weather was hard and when I hit a seasonal depression. The opposite for most people. Once I got through that it was probably one of the better summers I had in quite a few years. My birthday was chill but good. I had a good day with my cousins. I even got to bake my cake with one of them which is one of my favorite things to do with that cousin.

It was an interesting year family-wise. I interacted with my cousins more in the beginning and middle of the year. It was a busy time for them with high school graduations, weddings, and babies being born. All within a few months. All when I was working overtime and extra side jobs. So I was attending these things all while trying to stay alive at work. I haven’t seen them for a few months now but partially because I usually don’t celebrate the winter holidays with them. At least sometimes.

If you compared my 2022 with my 2023 you would think how much better 2022 was. I traveled more than ever in 2022. Barely any in 2023. 2022 was a lot of me hating myself and just trying to get through life. I was blessed to travel as much as I did. Sometimes traveling makes me coming back home harder and more miserable. It reminds me that I am in a place that can be very hard for me to live and be okay. In 2023 I was more consistently happy and okay. It was mundane but I think it allowed me to work on how I interact with people.

Yes, I am finally catching up on my dating life lol. I also began to trust some of my coworkers and come out of my shell a little more. Even with me knowing there is a chance that it could all shift again. It’s weird talking to some of them out of work and even hanging out with them. Let alone one of them becoming a friend and someone who gets to hear about all my boy stories.

A goal of mine in 2023 was to let people in whether they ended up staying for a while or temporarily. There were a lot of temporary or surface-level relationships. Some were just for a good time. Some ended up staying longer or are still here when I didn’t expect it. I get attached. It can be hard for me to let someone go. I have to get back to a routine without them. That can take a few days or even a few months. I had to do that earlier in the year. It forced me to do things that were necessary and broke down something in me that needed to be broken down. Though some of the relationships with people were a little hard on the heart they taught me things about myself and relationships. I took a part of each relationship into the next.

Life isn’t that serious. Even if you are no longer able to park in “your” parking spot at work and you cry about it for the first week or so when you drive to work.

People will come and go. The ones that are meant to stay will stay.