Forcing Myself to Feel My Triggers

I haven’t posted since my 2023 recap over six months ago. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without posting since I started writing almost ten years ago. I could blame it on my laptop being the same one so it’s starting to fight for its life. In reality, like I say almost every time, I am at a place where I want to share my life but also keep parts of my life private.

A lot has happened during the first half of 2024. There are a lot of things that my private journal has gotten to hear about. I started journaling again around April and I have been somewhat consistent with it. A lot of my healing journey now deals with the aftermath of everything. A lot of that comes up in relationships. Relationships that I keep private most of the time.

Despite the last seven months being some of the best, they have also had some of my hardest days.

I have spent almost 5 years healing from a man, not including the years before no contact. Thankfully my life is no longer consumed by the pain and trauma he added to my life. That doesn’t mean I’m not triggered. Especially in my relationships, let alone any of the romantic ones.

I did start dating around March of 2023. Not anything extreme but there have been a few men. Forcing myself to spend time or communicate with a man (which I am quite content not doing) forced me out of my comfort zone. I had to push through the triggers that were now being triggered because I was no longer avoiding what caused me to feel them.

Most of the men were not anyone I was interested in (as I have forced myself to like a man most of my life). I still learned things about myself and what I might want in a relationship or partner. The biggest thing is allowing myself to feel things. I have always run in the other direction if I ever felt any emotion (despite it being a normal and healthy thing). If I ever let myself “fall” for someone I wouldn’t let it last long. If I saw myself doing something to impress or look good for someone I’d cut it instantly. In my eyes it was weak and I wasn’t about to alter my life for someone else. I do think a lot of the time it is because I get attached hard and fast to whoever.

I have had a life full of recovering from an unimaginable amount of trauma and abuse. I didn’t have people who knew or could process things normally because they were also doing their best to recover. A lot of them didn’t get the opportunity to be okay before they passed away. I do get to see some of my family that are still alive and working hard to heal. They will say things to me about how great it is that I was able to figure out a lot of healthy ways to cope at such a young age.

I have made it a priority to understand my emotions and figure out why I react to things and how I can rewire my brain. Doing things I can to heal especially until I get to a place where I can find a good therapist and afford them. Until then, I will psychoanalyze myself and those around me (which isn’t always the greatest thing).

I am finally in a place where I can be in a relationship. Even being in that place, I still have to work daily to make relationships work. I get attached and love hard so I have to make sure it’s healthy. A person can be doing nothing wrong but my attachment issues pop up. I still catch myself wanting to cut them off before it gets too serious. If I lose them now it will be hard but not nearly as hard if they decide to leave even further in.

I have had a couple of serious relationships shift over the last couple of months. I wouldn’t say it’s been in a bad way but it hasn’t been easy either. I can and will cry over any change good or bad. Because of these shifts, it has caused a serious time of reflection. Again trying to figure out what parts of this shift are causing these extreme reactions. What parts can I still work on, but also parts that are okay and normal to feel?

I was without a car for about a week (starting on my birthday which is already a dreaded day) and then received news that a close friend was moving the day after they told me. They had already been dealing with things so they had isolated themselves. Changes were happening and a lot of unknowns so that was causing me to unravel. I couldn’t go anywhere or see anyone so I felt isolated. I was going on several walks a day but in the only safe place to walk alone. That safe place brings its separate issues and triggers. I couldn’t be in my house or I was nonstop crying. I had cried for six hours after I got the news about my friend moving. It was news that I was expecting but it caught me off because I didn’t realize they were moving that soon.

On all of the walks, I reflected on a lot of things. Well if I wasn’t a crying zombie. I’ve known for years that change affects me so much. I know I can and will adapt. The amount of time it takes varies. A lot of the changes that were happening in June and into July were changes I expected. I was still wondering why it was creating so much chaos. It is because it involved someone who means so much to me. The change though expected had a lot of unknowns. I began to realize that almost every person who has meant a lot to me either died or left. My body was preparing for that and expecting this person to leave me and never talk to me again.

Then I began wondering why this person. Why was this person and the idea of them leaving my life causing so much distress? I knew they meant a lot to me but this change in our lives exposed just how much they meant to me, and how much they’ve meant to me since I met them six years ago despite us not being close until recently.

Though this change is happening, it doesn’t automatically mean our progress is gone. It doesn’t mean they care about me any less. It doesn’t mean my feelings have to change. Like any change, I have to adjust. Right now we won’t get to see or talk to each other as much as we have. We’ve had a medium-distance relationship most of the time, but again it’s the shift where my brain likes to make it seem like a bigger deal than it is.

This change won’t be easy and I will have to adjust (and they will too). Any type of relationship you need to have your own life and hobbies. I don’t need or want to be lost when I can’t talk or hang out with someone. Before the change created the chaos I didn’t obsess or struggle without them. We would go days without talking and weeks without seeing each other. I would do my life as normal. That change brought up my struggles and trauma that is not at all the other person’s fault. It’s my feelings and issues. Any relationship is full of choosing what and who is important to fight for. Do I want this person enough in my life to deal with the harder emotions? A lot of the time it’s been no.

Relationships are hard and you have to fight for them sometimes. People are complicated beings. Nothing is black and white.

As someone who loses herself in people, I need to make sure I keep true to myself. I try to be intentional with my hobbies even more as it gets harder for me to naturally do them. I have determined that this is the summer I finally learn how to skateboard. One day I’ll be the hot skater chick.

On one of my walks of reflection I saw what I thought was a butterfly. It was right after I found out I was about to spend all and then some of the money I had to fix my car (that still had no front bumper from two weeks prior). It was the day after my friend officially moved. I still had strong feelings of being stuck and numb. I was empty trying to keep pushing through.

The butterfly turned out to be a moth. It was struggling on the soaked sidewalk as it had been raining on and off all day. I helped it by moving it to a nearby tree. I went on with my walk. I decided to look up what I found and to see if it was safe to humans. It turned out to be a Luna moth.

They aren’t rare but they aren’t usually seen as they are nocturnal and only live about a week never eating a thing. They mate and then die.

While looking up luna moths, I found out what they symbolize in my Google search. There are many websites about their symbolism. One of those websites (Wikihow) says, “Luna moths symbolize change, transformation, the divine feminine, spiritual enlightenment, inner guidance, intuition, adaptability, or connection with nature. Seeing a luna moth can be a sign to embrace change and appreciate the natural world around you. It can also mean that good luck is headed your way.”

I like to think it was the universe telling me or reminding me that I would be okay. This change isn’t to harm me but to make me grow in a good way. Though lately, it feels like my world is ending, it’s not. Just changing and change is inevitable.