Sometimes I Let Out My Alter Ego

“I wouldn’t have guessed you’ve been through what you have.”

I’ve spent most of my life using what has happened to me as a lesson. I am in a place where I am starting to figure out and see why things happened when they did. I say a lot these days that I am past the heart of the trauma but like an addiction it’s still there no matter how many years pass by.

The older you get the more you see history repeat itself whether it’s trends or people.

I have been trying to let people in and have relationships. I have worked on not trauma dumping on people. I am never not going to share my history because it is who I am, but there are times when I don’t need to. I can be “mysterious.” Sharing what has happened to me is my way of trying to show people there’s a reason I act the way I do. Sometimes it’s a way to remind myself how far I have come.

I just did year two for an event doing production work. Those who have been around know that was my primary type of work in college. These days I occasionally do that type of work. I have gone back and forth trying to determine if it is something I’d want to do more often than occasionally. That world can be one of my biggest triggers. I got into it because of someone and I have spent years recovering from that person. It’s a conflicting range of emotions when I am in a world that I do enjoy and can be good at but so much of my trauma stems from it.

Last year I did this event and it was hard (I wrote about it if you want to know more https://findlovetogether.com/2023/09/09/getting-myself-back/.) It changed my life and I believe this past year would have looked completely different. I spend a lot of time figuring out what triggers are worth pushing through to heal from and what ones I should avoid. The triggers I was pushing through at this event last year were some of the hardest. I met someone during that event that changed my life for the better. They brought something out of me that no one ever had and gave a part of myself back.

A few months later I decided to let someone else back in my life and I don’t think I would have if it wasn’t for that one person I met last year. I have been able to see how much someone can change your life and your future relationships. In the past, it’s always been negative, and for once it was positive.

The person I let back in was someone from six years ago. It was during the time I was hiding the abuse I was going through. I ended up blocking them until sometime last year. They didn’t do anything really, but I am glad that I blocked them. I am thankful I didn’t let myself get close to them at that time. Things would have happened that could have been good, but shortly after I had blocked them things came out about my abuse. When that happened I had blocked other people and spiraled. A spiral that took years to take control of.

I never would have expected to have this person back in my life. I never would have expected they’d mean what they mean to me. Their being back in my life has made me think about a lot of things. Then on top of working camera in a place that brings bad but also now good memories. The people and jobs that were a big part of my 2018 have unexpectedly been a part of my 2024.

The person I was six years ago is not who I am now. There are parts of me that I miss from that time but I am proud of who I am now. Six years ago, I wouldn’t have had these relationships. I wouldn’t have done half the things six years ago. I have grown and matured.

It’s been interesting spending time with someone who also knew me six years ago. I see how they act as well and how they’ve changed. We were both so young. We now have more walls up especially when it comes to trusting people. It does make me wonder how our friendship could have developed if I had been able to handle getting close to them back then. Again, I think once things came out in 2019 I would have shut them out and I don’t know if we would have recovered. In ways, my blocking them prematurely saved us and is the reason we can have the friendship we have now. Even if there are years worth of things that have happened to both of us that make it hard to open up.

There are many times I will think, “What is my life right now?” I am doing things I never thought I would be doing. Working the event this year, as much as I was anxious about it, it was good. I was okay mentally for most of it. I was able to interact with other people in the way I once was able to. I am so used to what I am feeling on the inside that I forget that most people look at me and think something different. Even at almost thirty, I have people bringing up my parents in a convo (then I get to be reminded often that they are dead and I am not normal). Being in the production world you are going to meet a lot of people and be on teams of people that don’t know anything about you. I think that is why I can sometimes thrive because I can be a person that on the outside I look like. My alter ego comes out or something. The outside me rarely matches the inside me. I look like someone who would be the most confident person and have everything put together. A person who hasn’t spent most of her life trying to heal from it.

There have been more times when I catch myself hoping that the life I want is still achievable. I do get in my head and think it’s too late and my trauma has taken away my chances. I do get sad that so many of my years have been spent on healing. Some things were inevitable but other things are because people chose to prey on me. When you involve other people it makes it easier to question things. As hard as the death and things that came with it were it was easy to understand. That’s life. People live and die. I don’t get mad too often, but having someone do so much harm and changing what your future could have been can be frustrating. Though it’s been many years and I have healed more than I could imagine it makes me sad. I look back at certain relationships and what could have been if I hadn’t been abused. There are parts of me that I learned and gained during that time of abuse and there are parts of me that I won’t get back.

I think all I’ve gone through allows me to love and understand others better. Humans are complex so it makes sense why relationships are too. I’ve had people love and take a chance on me. I am in a place where I can risk the hurt in hopes of loving and taking a chance on other people.