Feel it All

Once you hurt, you can love.

I’m a tv girl through and through. I have accepted that. I’ve talked about how Bones has taught me things through the years. I have decided to rewatch The Vampire Diaries. Well, I never did finish the series after I stopped watching it in 2014. #teamdamon

I am close to finishing the second season. I already catch myself responding to it differently than I did in the early 2010s. I cried at an episode (you might be able to guess if you know what happens 2×21 AND mix it with Skinny Love by Birdy). I think a part of me was drawn to this show the first time was Elena. I think with many of my shows I relate to the main character who ends up watching so many people they love die. I never got emotional watching this show the first time. I didn’t really cry over shows or anything ten years ago. When I catch myself getting emotional over things I once didn’t it makes me pause. Nobody particularly wants to cry or be emotional, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Lately, I have been feeling a mix of things. There are times I have been doing good. Other times I feel like my brain is paused but everything else is moving. Since I am a woman and have a menstrual cycle that makes my emotions even stronger. I feel like I am always saying it’s my hormones or a special date or time of year. The downside is I don’t get a break because I have one thing or another no matter what time of year. I do sometimes wonder if a change of scenery would make a difference. Why am I going to Dunkin’ and getting a memory of my past? Something so small. Memories aren’t consistent which also makes them harder to control. Being in a small town makes fewer places without memories attached to them. Though I made sausage, potatoes, and green beans, today, and it made me almost cry.

I used to always wanna move away. I still do, but these days I don’t have a special place. There is always Baltimore and my dream to live in a townhouse. There are a few places that I’ve been drawn to. I have people all over which gives me the constant feeling of being pulled in all directions. Sometimes I can see myself in my little house, alone a lot of the time, but okay. A part of me has always wanted a child, the man not so much. A lot of the time I think I’d be happy with the simple life. A job that pays enough. Free time to do my creative hobbies. Watch my little shows. Eat and drink things that make me happy.

I have worked on being content and present in life but also still have dreams. So much of the time I ask, “Is this really all life is?” When I do feel stuck, which is most of the time, I try to not let it derail me too much. I do try to feel whatever I am feeling because it is necessary. The more I let myself feel the less control my feelings will eventually have on me.

I try to figure out which relationships are important to me and which ones I need to be closer to in proximity. That has kept me where I am. I know if I leave even a state away I would have new struggles. I don’t know. Maybe I have to deal with that struggle for something even better. Somewhere even better.