Find Love Together – Logan Briana

“I just struggle this time of year.”

I catch myself saying something of the sort no matter what time of year. I can say summer is my hardest season, and if I had to pick my hardest season it would be summer. In reality, I rarely get a break from not being okay.

Thankfully, I have good days, and I get more and more of those. There isn’t a part of the year that I won’t struggle with, and there hasn’t been any part of the year that isn’t affected by my trauma. Usually, I tend to have a decent October, though this one has been emotionally draining and has felt very long.

As seasons change, I struggle with the change.

The main change is from spring to summer and then summer to fall. As much as I love fall, now that I am out of school, I think I struggle with the transition from summer to fall a little more. For several reasons, I do have some trauma-related things. Also, working at a university, let alone my alma mater, reminds me how isolated I am.

Most of my college friends are either in a different state or our relationships are now distant. Though I have developed work relationships more than I thought would be possible with my trauma, I just won’t ever be able to fully trust anyone at my university again. Aside from a select few, most are those who I trusted as a student.

My community is almost non-existent. Going from having a community (even with the lack of trust) and being around so many people as a college student to not having much is hard. As the world goes back to “normal” and I know I am saying that close to a presidential election so everything right now is kinda crazy. I am also reminded that life won’t ever go back to how it was before COVID. Things about my abuser came out at the end of 2019. I had barely processed it let alone started healing from it all before we were thrown into a pandemic and a shutdown.

I’ve seen people say we are the age we were when COVID happened. In a way, life was paused. We weren’t able to evolve in ways most of us knew. I had planned to move to a big city in the spring of 2020 when my lease was up. That didn’t happen and I still have yet to move. I believe having some stability and a pause on the constant moving was good for me. I am afraid of being stuck and another five years pass and I am still where I am.

I am less than two years away from turning thirty (which is crazy). As much as I like to deny wanting a relationship or kids. A part of me does. Because of my mom, I don’t want to be too much older than I am now if I were to have children. So, in ways, I do feel that pressure. I also know I want something bigger than my little town. Though it will always be my home. I know I won’t want or let myself want someone from here (well almost everyone iykyk). I still picture myself living my single life in a new city, which I see dwindling. Yes, anything can happen, but I don’t know. In ways that has always been my struggle. Me changing my major every semester says something (though we have collectively agreed that my academic undergrad career doesn’t accurately represent myself).

I didn’t (still don’t) see me living this long. I just keep getting older and passing ages I never planned on seeing. I have had to spend most of my energy on surviving and healing. It doesn’t leave much room for anything else. So, now I am in my late 20s lost about what I truly want to do. Part of me just wants a job I don’t hate and pays enough (which in this economy is not an easy thing). I had certain jobs I wanted as a child and up to college. I’ve said before one is a cop or of the sort. I accepted and said goodbye to that option a couple of years ago (and I still get sad thinking about it). Realistically, as I heal who knows if I’d even pass some of the requirements. Becoming a cop was all I thought about and what got me through a lot of my trauma through high school and parts of college. It is hard to let go of though deep down I know it is probably best.

This year has been one of my harder years (read my last post if you want to know more about why https://findlovetogether.com/2024/10/27/life-after-no-contact/). It is because I am going through some intense healing. It has been full of many good moments but I feel like all I’ve said all year is “It’s just that time of year.”

Though this year isn’t particularly different from how often I think like that, this year has just been so slow for me. I am usually a person where the days go by fast. They just aren’t. It can be frustrating. It has a lot to do with my healing. You mean I still have more to go? The last 18 years haven’t been enough? I have touched on this in previous posts, right now it’s a lot of trauma that I haven’t had to deal with or I have been able to push to the side. In some ways, I have been “okay” the last year or so. I say that as if I don’t look back on each year and think about how tough it was. Though uneventful 2023 was a pretty good year for me (well most of it). I am sure some parts were hard that I’m not remembering. That’s also the thing. You look back on years and hard times and sometimes miss them. I think, how am I missing or even romanticizing some of the worst times? Even in some of the worst times, there is some good.

I think this year is a perfect example for me. Especially, since it has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I have had a lot of good moments I wouldn’t trade, but I also had to deal with some of the harder moments to get to those good ones. I am thankful to be in a place where I can recognize what a lot of my obstacles are because I am actively healing compared to passively. I am going to be more exhausted which is instantly going to make everything else harder for me. I’m going to struggle more with my emotions. It will most likely contribute to how often and easy it is for me to cry right now (and over literally nothing). It can be annoying being so self-aware, but I also remember the times I wasn’t able to recognize or understand anything that was happening inside of me. It’s easier to feel hopeless that way. There are times I catch myself losing hope, but I have better chances these days to hold on to hope. To know that what I am feeling is temporary. Even knowing and accepting that I will most likely feel these negative feelings at a later time.

I will admit, that even thinking about having to go through these hard feelings again makes me cry. I will never not feel a lot of my hard feelings. They won’t ever go away. I do have hope that they will continue to lessen. They are also unfortunately and fortunately a part of me.

I have said most of my life that I am grateful for my life. Though I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone else, I am better for it. I love the person it has made me to be. I appreciate people and life more deeply. I am going to express my feelings to people without shame (maybe with some fear). I love deeper and deeper. Sometimes loving so deeply isn’t easy but this world can never have too much love. Especially, during an election year.

“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Rose Kennedy