10 Years Of Writing

We’re not even a week into the new year and so many thoughts and feelings have been experienced.

I realized that this year is my last full year in my twenties. It doesn’t feel possible. I still feel like I’m lying when I tell people I’m in my late twenties. I think I am ready, and a little scared. Almost everyone has told me that their thirties are/were better than their twenties.

I can see that.

In your twenties, you are a fresh adult. You spend most if not all of your twenties not feeling like an adult (though I am starting to think people never end up feeling like an adult). I’m sure there is some truth to having a fully developed brain and that it changes things. Though, it wasn’t really until I was 27/28 that things started to change for me. Where I was in my healing could also contribute to that.

Today also happens to mark 10 years since I created my blog. 18 years old. A freshman in college. With the hope, she’d reach at least one person. She didn’t know in what way. She didn’t think it’d be by sharing her healing journey.

I had someone ask me what kind of things I wrote. They have heard about my writing but haven’t yet read any of it. They were asking me things that I’d never really thought about. It made me realize how I used to write when I was struggling. Writing was my way of deciphering my thoughts. For a while, how often I posted was associated with how much I was struggling. Now, a lot of the time I write it after I have navigated through what I was feeling. As I say a lot lately I’ve written it in my personal journal more often. So, that has filtered some of the things I write publicly.

On a side note, find a way that journaling works for you. Despite being a writer, journaling consistently hasn’t been the easiest. Especially when I did the typical “This is what I did today.” It was when it shifted into what I was feeling while trying to not lie to myself that changed things. A lot of the time even in my private writing I was not admitting everything to myself.

That was one of my goals last year. Be honest and true to myself. It’s kinda ironic since it’s nearly impossible for me to lie to other people, but I am a professional liar to myself. Usually, my lying to people is when I am lying to myself. I do this thing where I will go on and on about how much I dislike a person or find the smallest parts of them to pick at when in reality I’m trying to deny any feelings I might have for them. I also refuse to admit I want something. I rarely let myself get excited for something until the moment it happens. I’d say those are two of my least favorite coping mechanisms that I have.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly let myself get excited about things beforehand. However, I do believe it plays a big part in who I am and why I do things. I have hope that as time goes on I’ll let myself get excited for things. I did find myself embracing my feelings, especially for other people, more than I thought I would. If I can let myself do that, the worst thing I could ever do according to my brain, I think I can do anything.

I think the inability to let yourself want things because you are afraid they won’t happen doesn’t do anything for you. If anything it makes the chances of actually getting what you want even lower than before. I will say that I think I have found a balance of letting myself go for things but also staying realistic, but I also know it has kept me from doing things that could have been good things.

I have a mundane job. A job that’s not changing a bunch of people’s lives. A job that in my head isn’t a big girl job (despite me being one of the youngest there). A job that limits my ability to grow, personally and professionally. Sometimes I struggle seeing people I went to school with posting about their job and I’m over here in the same place and job without much change. I know the lack of change has helped me heal in ways that I might not have been able to so I am grateful for that. The more I heal the more I start to really question what parts of my life need to change.

I also have a feeling that I’m getting closer and closer to my life changing in big and challenging ways. Who knows how long my time living alone will last? There is so much goodness in having my own space, but who knows what could change that. I will never get back this time. As much as I sometimes wish it could be different, it brings much opportunity to my healing and the ability to do just about anything I want. There are very few people or things that would get me to sacrifice my space on a more permanent level — though nothing in this world is permanent. The more you can accept that (yes I am talking to me too) the easier life gets.

I never physically write down my yearly goals that a lot of people do for new year resolutions. Mainly because I don’t want to be discouraged if I don’t meet them. I know how quickly life can change and everything gets thrown out. This year I did write them down. I think they are realistic and doable. Most of them won’t require too much on my part, just the push to do them instead of spending hours mindlessly scrolling on my phone. Another thing I am trying to do less this year. I deleted Snapchat from my phone. I’m trying to post less on Instagram in hopes I’ll have less urge to go on it. There’s no need to be hyper-aware of everyone’s business. We weren’t made to consume so much in such a little time. I’ve had the benefit of knowing how I was before there were phones and so much access to info with one device. I miss some of it. Though I have a love for social media and the community it can give you. When my friend gets overstimulated/anxious they eliminate the things overstimulating them. My way of dealing with those things is the opposite. I have just about everything going on to quiet my brain. It’s been a nice reminder and it’s forced me to slow things down when I am with them. Which isn’t the worst thing. I will openly admit that I’ll use anything to distract myself from thinking or feeling things. The main one is music if it’s not the television. I am known to have both on simultaneously.

I love my television. That will never change. I hope to get back to my roots and create things while the television is on. I used to do most of my drawing with a movie or show on. I did puzzles and card games. Now I’m on my phone, which is why I have a love for watching K-dramas since they force me to be present. Most of my goals for this year had to do with the creative side of me. I think I’m finally getting into a place where I have the mental capacity to do so. All of it has become so mental for me that whenever I am tired it’s nearly impossible for me to create.

I don’t know what this year will look like. I’ve had this gut feeling that something is going to happen where things shift for a bit now. It’s a scary feeling because I don’t know what it will be exactly. When I don’t know I get anxious and try to find all the ways I can prepare to protect myself. While I am trying to figure out my Plan B and C and D and the rest of the alphabet I forget to be present.

One of the hardest skills I’ve tried to master is being present but also working towards what I want for the future. I have a feeling it’s going to be a skill I’ll be trying to master for the rest of my life.

I didn’t think when I created a blog I would come as far as I have. I didn’t think it would be a big part of my healing. The girl who started it was just a baby and still had childish like hope. She had the career and future she wanted perfectly pictured. That shifted for different reasons. College was nothing she had thought it would be. She came out with more pain and trauma than before.

I can’t change the choices I and others made for me. I am doing better than I or anyone could have imagined or thought possible. I have hope that the life my mom wanted for me is still possible. I’ve had a family member tell me how great of a life I have and she’s jealous. It reminds me that I am doing good despite it all. She didn’t say it in a be grateful for what you have kind of way. She too is on a healing journey but didn’t get to places where I have until much later in life. Our relationship alone is a great reminder of redemption. I’m grateful for the ability to get older and see the relationship between us evolve while we both are on our healing journey.

Healing is messy. It looks different for each person which makes it hard for other people to understand. It leaves room to be misunderstood by many. It’s why self-love and the ability to choose yourself are important. If you’re not okay then you can’t properly help those around you. I’m not good at being selfish even if it’s what’s best for my health. I am a caretaker at heart. I am getting to a place where I can focus on myself but also be there for those who might need it without completely emptying myself.

Life is full of giving and taking. That’s never going to change. How you give and take is up to you.