A Step in the Right Direction

What does it say about me that I am already almost 1/3 through my journal that I started at the beginning of the year and it’s still only January? I’ve been having so many feelings or emotions that I don’t know what they are. If someone were to ask how I feel, I’d be like I have no idea.

If you know me I self-diagnose myself (not really but kinda). I don’t go around saying I have these things but I do see legitimate sources and relate almost too much to certain things. I think that’s also why I am kinda hesitant to go to therapy. I don’t want to be diagnosed with any of the things I relate to. There are many other reasons too. I’m not anti-therapy by any means but I am tired of therapy and not finding anyone that has done much help.

I think despite everything I have done pretty well with the resources I have learned throughout the years. Though I did write in my journal recently, “Maybe I really do need to go to therapy.” The first step is admitting it, right?

I write in my journal a lot like I used to write my blog posts. I write my feelings and such until I have a breakthrough (which is probably why I am almost 1/3 through the journal already). I felt a similar feeling to what I am feeling now a few months back around election time. I’m realizing that I have had so many unknowns and uncertainties that I am subconsciously and consciously struggling with them. I have relationships that I worry are going to fall apart because they haven’t hit the trust level where I’m not worrying that I’m going to be abandoned. That alone brings out a lot of the issues I’ve brought up in the past. These are the parts that I most likely will need a therapist to process them properly. Things that I don’t need to keep processing to those around me. Things I am processing even more through my journaling. But, my journal doesn’t talk back. I might need that. I have those abandonment issues and all that can come with that – yay trauma. That alone is strong enough to cripple me, especially when I tend to be so isolated. Add an inauguration. Add life things such as my washing machine breaking.

Ironically, as someone who can and has had to adapt her entire life, the initial change or shift of a daily thing still affects me. It’s what keeps me from risking certain things. I am afraid of change, especially now that a lot of my changes are my choice. It was one thing when I was in a constant state of change and uncertainty. The changes were usually something I couldn’t control. These days, I’m not in a constant state of survival but a lot of the time I’m just a situation away from going back into a survival mindset. I can tell when I am on the brink of it when every little thing reminds me of something of my past. Things that don’t usually bring me too many issues these days.

I’ve been asked recently if I got on antidepressants would that help? The thing is I don’t think for me they would. I have less of a negative opinion of them these days. Events and relationships (mainly relationships) are what trigger my harder periods. I am happiest when I don’t have a crush or feelings for someone. No matter what type of person they are there’s a good chance I’m going to derail. I think a lot, “I can’t go on antidepressants anytime I fall for someone.” I need to figure out how to deal with my feelings and not let them make me go insane. Shoutout to my abuser for playing a big part in that cause he should have gone to therapy to fix his issues instead of hurting me and others. Since I do date and let myself develop feelings for people these days a lot of my trauma from my abuser has become a daily thing. Which is why he’s been brought up a little more these days. Also, though it might be superficial, I gained a lot of weight from my antidepressants. The weight gain brought its own issues. I believe in science and medicine, but I also come from a holistic background. Most of the time I am doing pretty good when I am eating healthy and exercising. Doing a lot of the necessary things to have a healthy mind and body. If I didn’t notice a difference when I am sticking to those habits then maybe I’d consider medicine. However, a part of a healthy mind would be going to therapy. I’ve been watching NCIS lately and even Gibbs himself realized he got to a point where he needed therapy. I think going to therapy for me means I can’t do it on my own and I struggle with that. Now, I’ve written about needing to go to therapy privately and publicly (I think someone who has been asking me about going back might be a little happy when he reads this). It still might take me a bit to go ahead and find a therapist but we’re going in the right direction at least.

I have a feeling this year is going to be a big year when it comes to my writing. For one, I’m already writing more overall. This year I want to experience life more. I want to document my life in ways that I haven’t before. Push what I have done in the past. I read my first book of 2025 last weekend. It was a book I almost put back but something was drawing me to it. It was The Last Interview by Eshkol Nevo, an author based in Israel. It’s the first book in a while that got me to finish in under 48 hours. It was the first book to ever get me to naturally annotate. I’ve wanted to be an annotation girly but didn’t want to feel like I was forcing it. This book was so natural for me to annotate. The format of this book was a bunch of interview questions and Eshkol answering them but in longer format than a typical interview. Being a writer, I related to a lot of what he wrote. He also has a similar writing style to me so it was cool reading something that felt like I wrote but didn’t. I related to how he felt being a writer and what those around him felt. Having a writer in your life means there’s a good chance they will write about you. I try to be careful about what and who I write about. However, every conversation I have with someone has the possibility of inspiring my writing.

Then again life is inspiring. Humans are inspiring. Connections are inspiring.

What a privilege it is to be able to share my life and my story.