I’ll Take 2026 Over 2016

I am currently away from my journal, so why not attempt writing here? The OG journal, and hey, it is 2016 again.

It’s crazy to think how different but similar things are ten years later. I say that as I’ve been trying to adapt to all the changes I’ve been dealing with. Some changes I am thankful for, but at the same time, have changed almost every aspect of my life. If I were to go off the time line of my life, about every 10 years, something big affects my life.

2016 was the year I entered my twenties. It was the year my aunt died. It was the year my abuser started grooming me.

We are almost ten years since my aunt died, and I can’t fully fathom that. Though I lived a pretty solitary life beforehand, I especially did after her death. I think about all the hopes and plans 19-year-old me had. I didn’t see myself still in the same town, let alone on the same road I was on when I called 911 the night my aunt went into the hospital.

I find myself, like others right now, romanticizing 2016, but for the most part, 2016 was one of the worst years that shaped me for better and worse. Losing my aunt was and still is one of the hardest things. It gave me the ability to heal and grow into myself in ways that wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t died. I don’t put complete blame on my aunt because I genuinely don’t think she stood a chance at a healthy life. She also never should have raised a human being, let alone several. Then losing my mom was the nail in the coffin for her, but it wasn’t until ten years later that she ended up in one (well, she was cremated, so kinda).

I went from one abuser to the next. That is all I knew.

During a time I was supposed to explore and have fun trying to find myself, I was dealing with death and abuse on top of the trauma and death I was dealing with beforehand, in almost complete solidarity. I spent the rest of my undergrad years learning who I was without my aunt while hiding the grooming and abuse that permanently changed who I was.

It was shortly after I graduated when things came out about my abuser. I was fresh into the workplace. Not in the job I wanted, but I didn’t have too much luck in that area. Then add a pandemic, about a year post-grad. Despite the added challenges that it brought, it allowed me to heal in ways.

In 2016, I was unsure of what my path was. In 2026, I am still unsure what my path is, but I’m sure of myself. That’s the difference between now and 2016. I miss the simplicity of that time. Maybe life would look a little different if I could go back and change things, but I did what I knew best at the time. It led to the person I am now.

I’m not where I thought I would be just months from turning thirty.

I see some of my classmates who have careers or are at least continuing to climb up the ladder, while I feel static a lot of the time. Especially when I pass the apartment where my aunt and I shared, each time I go to the store. I still own and wear some of the clothes I was wearing ten years ago. I’m walking the same halls and places I did back then. As static as I feel and as much as I struggle with that, I have still grown so much.

There are some relationships that I miss that no longer look like they did in 2016. Knowing that most of those I was closest with barely know me or what’s going on in my life. Now we see each other’s lives through pictures. Each person came in and left my life when they were supposed to. Whether it felt like it was another thing.

Even just the last six months or so. Those who keep up know I lost one of my longest relationships in July. That was after I spent the year prior adjusting to a couple of relationships shifting, leaving me in an extreme place of solitude. I felt more alone and isolated than ever before. The issues that developed from my abuser but were inactive came to life. I spent a lot of hours crying, sleeping, and feeling numb.

When my friend died in July, I ended up getting into my first official relationship because of it. The healthiest and most loving relationship, especially when it comes to anything romantic. They say even a healthy relationship can cause obstacles. As someone who’s never had a fully healthy relationship, I’ve had to learn and am still learning how to have one. It’s the accepting it more than anything. Never seeing myself in a relationship is still very much there. After being isolated most of your life, that is what you know and are comfortable with. Deep down, all the relationships, especially the ones with men I was attracted to ones that I think subconsciously knew wouldn’t work.

Then, being abused and manipulated by multiple people over the span of my life, love for me was making sure that person was happy, while nothing could satisfy them. I catch myself feeling guilty for feeling human feelings. Crying or doing something “wrong” lead to being yelled at or getting called degrading things. But instead of those things, I’m being told the opposite, or they do things such as make me a cup of coffee because coffee solves everything.

Despite the part of me that fears getting older, I will take heading in my thirties over my twenties.

I have hope for 2026. Although the current political climate and all that is happening are scary and give a sense of hopelessness. I will hit an age that feels very unreal. I will hit ten years without my aunt and TWENTY years without my mom. If things are still going good celebrate a year with a partner that I can also say is my best friend, and on top of that cares about my rights and those of others. All while I have seeing BTS in concert to look forward to.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving