The Year and Decade of Pain

Not only is the year coming to an end but the decade.

This past year was full of pain on levels I hadn’t before felt. Pain that I am happy to say goodbye to this new decade.

This decade was years full of loss. I began the decade discovering I was officially an orphan. Nearly every year this decade I lost someone I loved. A lot of people came into my life. A lot of people left it.

When I realized everything aside from Mom’s death happened in this decade I honestly couldn’t believe it. Wow, I made it through all of that.

Coming to that realization gave me a new wave of motivation to enter this new year and decade with a fresh start. It’s time to say goodbye to all of the pain. All of the loss.

Though I am still healing from this last decade, I think I am able to finally start fresh. I’ve lost just about everything that I could lose and I survived. I have my issues, but there is no reason that I should let them hold me back. When I see where I still struggle, it is no one else’s fault but mine if I don’t change it. If I keep saying I want it, I need to do what it takes to do it.

This past year was pretty terrible. I hit rock bottom…twice. I sold my iPad just to pay bills. I had two dollars in my bank account to last a week while having my gas tank on empty. During that week, I had to jump my vehicle once because it didn’t have enough gas to start itself. Then a few months later my van officially died while everything I owned was in it since I was currently in-between places to live.

During those low times and in-between God showed me some things. Those around me came through and fought for me and helped me from sinking completely. People who have known me for years were there for me and people who only knew me for a few months did more for me than I could have ever asked for. This year was full of times I don’t ever want to go back to, but during it, God’s grace covered me entirely.

People saw something in this broken girl and decided to fight for her when she couldn’t.

In between and during some of those terrible times, I had people love me greatly and give me some memories I will never forget. I got to travel to Mexico, Honduras, and Belize during my first cruise. Just a couple of months later, my wonderful friend Stephen got us tickets to see Jennifer Lopez and I pretty much died that day. Me and JLo in the same room? Heaven on earth. This summer was a good one.

To have people love me so greatly.

I am going into 2020 knowing who I am at the core. I will always be evolving because that means I am growing and learning, something I think everyone should be doing. BUT I KNOW ME. That is something that took most of this decade to figure out.

I look forward to all the ways I can grow towards who I want to be and where I want to be. Last decade I was a child who had to grow up too soon. This decade I will turn 30… how is that possible. I know just like these past ten years the next ten years will fly right on by. I don’t want to regret not chasing what I want because I am afraid.

I have also come to the realization that your life is not set in stone by a certain age. Life is constantly changing, no matter whether you’re 20 or 70. So many people (me included) have the mindset if you don’t have certain things by a specific age you’ve ruined your life. LIES! If I let thoughts like that get into my head, I’m never going to get anywhere.

I encourage you to go into this next year with a humble mindset. You don’t know everything. Spoiler, you never will. It’s okay to need help, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. Also, if someone is making you feel less of a person, say goodbye to them. It will hurt probably a lot and you’ll want to reach out to them. Someone on Twitter (I forget who) tweeted this, “Closure is a fallacy. Closure is typically an excuse to get one more charged fix within an addictive trauma cycle.” WOW, what a saying. Time goes on. You miss them less and less. You learn how to do life without them or their opinions. Don’t sacrifice your worth to make someone else happy.

Be humble but know your worth 🙂