Making Myself Ugly

In the last year, I have gone back to wearing oversized clothing. There are many different reasons why. A lot of the clothes I do have and wear the most were clothes that belonged to either my mom or my aunt. So, in that way when I wear them, it’s like I have a piece of them. I think another reason is that they are comfortable, a reason many people wear oversized clothing. I am also one that has to sometimes buy larger-sized clothing so that it will fit my height. Then there is the occasional body dysmorphia, which was a big reason for it at the beginning of this year. I just wanted to hide my body so I wouldn’t criticize it. I have also begun to realize there are times that I wear oversized clothes to hide my body not from me but others. I began to “ugly” myself in an attempt to take the attention away from me.

I feel like a lot of the time I have held myself back is so I don’t outshine those around me. I think that this has contributed to me not going for higher positions of leadership. I love and excel in being in leadership positions but find myself not going for them despite being qualified for them. I have spent much of my past being in survival mode making sure I am not detected. Analyzing everything around me ready to escape if danger presents itself.

The thing is anywhere I go there is going to be a danger, both literally and figuratively.

My “danger” tends to be triggers, which I have a lot of. Though I am trying to stop using that word since I feel like it is overused, especially in my vocabulary. I live in a town that I have become to love but can instantly be reminded or triggered when I see a certain place or thing. I will be reminded of a part of my life with people I no longer have in my life. A part of my life that I don’t want back but and can immediately be thrown back in how I felt at that time. I know when I had initially lost my aunt almost five years ago, I wanted to move away as soon as possible. I couldn’t even go into the local supermarket without immediately feeling like I was going to crumble. It took years for that to go away, but it did.

Time does heal, but it doesn’t heal it all. You have to endure whatever hardship you’ve been given. That is life.

One thing I have learned is that history often repeats itself. I am not special. The things I am fighting for are things people have fought many years before me. It just looks a little different because life has evolved in its own ways.

“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”
Rose Kennedy