Choices

Life is made up of choices. A single decision can change your life forever.

Some of my decisions can be impulsive. Usually little things so for the most part they don’t affect a big part of my life. I have never regretted any of my impulsive decisions. That impulse tends to come from the part of me that isn’t affected by those around me. Again that impulse tends to involve me buying something that maybe I don’t need. The first thing that pops into my head is me buying one of those metal shelf carts on wheels. At the time I was a broke college student who didn’t need to spend money on things like that. My friend kept telling me to not buy it but I did and I haven’t looked back since. For the most part, my impulse decisions are small things like that.

Then there are a few that are a little bigger. I made one that was something I had told myself I was going to do but all that was holding me back stopped me. So, I made the impulse decision and did it. This decision is now forcing me to push myself in ways I wasn’t able to push myself without. Not going to lie it’s a scary feeling. A lot of things in life involve making a choice that could affect deeper parts of your life than a metal cart on wheels.

I don’t know how this recent decision will affect my life. I do know that I am not one who likes to fail, especially when it comes to someone else looking at my abilities. Because of that, I am going to be pushed in ways from this impulsive decision. I will for sure argue that impulsive decisions can not be a good thing. I also believe that some impulse decisions can push you in a direction that you wanted but needed help getting there.

With it being the holidays I have done a lot of reflecting. Like many people, this time of year can be one of the hardest times, and with added conflicting topics such as who’s president and covid. Despite all of the chaos this year has brought I have healed in ways I don’t think I would have without the chaos. I know who I am more than I ever have. I am learning how to be me and embrace that.

I have people who love me for me.

I have people who help me stay in the present. I used to be someone who would overly look at old photos, usually of my parents and the life with them. Now, I still embrace them but with less looking back. I will look back when it comes to healing as it can still be needed to do so. In my everyday life, I try to not make it a thing. I already have enough things that make me think of them daily. Thankfully, I no longer dwell on those thoughts. I have realized I don’t want to look or even really think about those things constantly. Thinking about it made me dwell in the past of my life that I will never get back. I was a broken child and adult for so much of my life that I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want to go back. I have spent over twelve years trying to get out of that.

So much of what has happened to me has become my identity. I think a part of it will always be. I am also getting to the place where I am ready for it to not be. Yes, so and so happened to me. Yes, so and so I was born into. I am in a place in my healing that it doesn’t have to control my life. There are always going to be differences. There are always goings to be different perspectives.

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. It depends on the choices you make and the mindset in which you respond.