Find Love Together – Logan Briana

If you know me you know I have a lot of repetitive habits. I eat the same meal daily until I get sick of it. I have about five shows that I watch on a rotation. I will listen to a song on repeat for days. There are probably more repetitive habits but those are the main ones and ones I have had for my entire life.

I’ve been aware of this part of me for a while but I’ve noticed it lately.

People ask me how I can watch something so often but each time I rewatch something I notice something I haven’t noticed before. Also, most of the shows I watch on repeat I’ve watched for over ten years. I have evolved greatly from the first watch to the current watch. In ways, as I grow I see these shows differently each time.

I am currently rewatching Bones. It was one of the first shows I had ever laughed at. It was probably also one of the first ones I cried at too. It brings out a lot of emotions. I watched it when it was on the tv which coincided with the time I went through most of my deaths. During this time I wasn’t really a person. At least that’s how I describe myself during the heart of my trauma. I didn’t feel my emotions much and was a shell of a person. Bones was one of the few things that made me laugh or feel emotion at that time.

I tend to be drawn to shows with main characters that are socially awkward, have similar issues as me, have lost their parents, or all of the above. Bones happens to check all of those off. I also tend to be drawn to shows where most of the characters end up becoming a chosen family. I think that is why Criminal Minds is another show that means so much. Both Bones and Criminal Minds involve characters with deep bonds with each other. So of course me being someone who craves that I would be drawn to shows with a family bond.

In ways, my shows teach me how to be a person. It’s also fun seeing how I am “taught” each time. I used to try to copy the things I saw on tv and from others in real life. Something normal, but I think for me it was on a different level. I didn’t have the ability to watch my parents and how they lived life. My shows played an essential part in my learning how to do normal things. Which also explains a lot about why I am the way I am.

I am also now getting to an age where I can relate to parts that I couldn’t as a teenager. I happened to look up the age of some of the actors when Bones had just begun. Now, I am the same age or a couple of years younger than they were. That is a weird feeling. For the longest time, they were these adults that had a life that felt so far away. Now I am the same age as those adults that become more and more relatable.

It’s healing in ways.

I never thought I’d ever feel my age. There are some things I haven’t done that most people my age have. That sometimes makes me feel behind. Even with those things I haven’t done I still feel my age. I didn’t think I’d ever get to that. I’d always felt younger than I was while dealing with adult things.

Watching Bones this round still brings out parts of me that are broken. Most of my repetitive habits bring out parts of me I still need to work on. It helps me see what I need to work on and also have a sense of control.

The sense of control is most likely the reason why I am so repetitive in what I do and consume. Also, the lack of change in certain things gives my brain the ability to use its energy on other things.

I used to feel self-conscious about these habits of mine. These habits may limit me from certain aspects of life. These habits I think have saved me in a lot of ways too.

“When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn. And where we end up is really in fact where we always intended to be.”

Julia Glass