Life After No Contact

It’s “easy” for me to talk about all the deaths I’ve gone through. For the most part, people will have similar reactions to it. Death is to an extent easy for someone to grasp. Abuse and other things can be interpreted differently. People are going to have different opinions. Depending on what abuse happened and who was someone’s abuser plays a factor. Even for someone who always believes the victim first it can be hard to believe some people could do harmful things. You mean to tell me this person who has been so great to me did something so terrible to you? It’s hard for the brain to understand. It was hard for me to accept that in the beginning. My abuser was and still is very well-loved by so many.

Abuse looks different to different people. There are so many levels and variables. Each person and situation is different. I’m not the only one that my abuser hurt but my experience and recovery are different than anyone else’s he hurt. People have different opinions on what abuse looks like. If you share your story with the public it allows for anyone’s opinion on YOUR experience.

I am about to hit five years of no contact with my abuser. I still catch myself finding issues pop up because of him. It was about a three-year period where he abused me. I was and still am trauma-bonded to him. Thankfully the trauma bond is getting weaker and weaker but it is still there. I started dating people about two years ago. I ended up falling for someone. It started a whirlwind of emotions. From my abuser, I suffered some sexual abuse but the heart of the abuse was mental. It was a continuous cycle of making me feel loved and safe to being called a stupid and crazy person. That is the extreme cliff note version.

Before I met my abuser I already didn’t enjoy feeling crushes or typical teenage emotions. A trauma bond can feel like love but it’s not. With a trauma bond, you can become obsessed with your abuser. I like to compare it to a drug addiction. It was a constant up and down of me being rewarded and showered with praise to being dragged and called terrible names.

I had a lot of death and other abuse that was inside me that I hadn’t processed so I was already vulnerable and isolated. I had some insecurities regarding relationships with other people but it was mild and I think normal. A trauma bond can make you feel crazy. You’re unable to regulate your emotions and they are even more extreme. When he was telling me I was being too emotional or being too insecure or anything that was making me feel like a disappointment I would become manic and depressed simultaneously. I was probably some of the closest to harming myself. A lot of people who are trauma-bonded end up killing themselves because without that person they are unable to function.

In the moment it was hard but I am grateful that my abuser blocked me and started no contact when things started to come out about him. I didn’t like him but I still had to be near him. It was essentially like getting high. Seeing him didn’t help anything but in the moment it helped and then it continued the cycle. For most of the abuse, there wasn’t a way of getting away from him because my life was so intertwined with his. By the time our lives were less meshed, the harm was already done and I was still only minutes away from him.

After no contact, which was the best thing he ever did for me the whole time of our relationship, I was essentially detoxing. I would have dreams about seeing him. I went on antidepressants after one day I was uncontrollably crying in a ball on the floor for “no reason.” Nothing triggered it per se. I was alone. I was still in the place where the abuse happened and had to act like I wasn’t which made everything worse. Nothing was holding me here. Though I don’t think I would ever hurt myself I was still thinking about it nonstop. Then I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner and the rest is history.

I was and have healed much over the almost five years (and almost another Thanksgiving). I think I have healed some from my abuser, but a lot of my healing was all the stuff that was stuck inside me before I knew my abuser existed. I had already gone through more than most people go through in a lifetime before him. Having people has helped with healing from so much of the death and trauma. It has also helped heal some of the trauma from my abuser (for one I kinda trust men…kinda…it’s still a scary world for a girl out there). Despite sharing a lot of personal things on the internet I still keep most of my life private. I keep personal relationships private. I could be involved with someone and you wouldn’t know. However, I try to keep the VIP people in the loop to some extent. If I had people I could have trusted to tell about my abuser I might have gotten out with less harm.

I do have someone I care about very deeply. It has brought out a lot of the trauma from my abuser that I haven’t dealt with. It has brought up other things too. We’re about to hit the year mark of me letting him back into my life. I had kept him at a distance back when I was being abused which also leaves room for some emotions. I am a reflector. I look back at things. I end up thinking about how we both acted back in the day while being young college kids to now being adults with our individual baggage that we gathered over the years. We are learning about each other and becoming good friends. I am thankful for our relationship, but me being me I get attached to him. We sometimes go weeks without seeing or talking to each other. Sometimes we see each other more.

It triggers that up-and-down cycle in me. Thankfully it’s not him himself that is doing it, but it is because of my abuser. I get sad and mad and all kinds of emotions because of it. I try to stay healthy and okay but I catch myself getting obsessive. I get panicky because I do care so much. I have a fear he’s going to leave and decide I’m too much, even as a friend. A lot of the feelings and urges I had during my abuse with my abuser I feel them with this relationship. Normally, I would just step away and leave. This relationship. This person for some reason still feels worth fighting for.

I have hit a period of unraveling. There is no reason for me to be thinking half the things I’m thinking. Things that put me in a negative headspace this time around with this person I didn’t have any issues back in college. It’s been frustrating. It does feel isolating. I have spent most of my life alone. Most of the time I can keep myself happy and occupied alone. I have one person I spend the most time with but she has a life and people that take up a good amount of time. I am reminded that I am alone most of the time. I think I will feel that most of the time and most of my life. I think it’s also why I get attached to people. I am not someone who has a bunch of friends. I am picky with my time and who I give it to. When I am in a healthy mindset I am okay with being alone. I feel lonely at times but I am okay. I am the queen of doing things by herself.

But, I am human and do crave people.

When I do let new people in it’s hard. I love hard. I am reminded of how crazy essentially that I can get. So, I keep people out. It might partially be me avoiding healing. For a while, I think it was necessary. It wasn’t like I didn’t have enough stuff to heal from and keep me occupied. I didn’t expect to let this person back in my life let alone them mean so much to me. I had run into him earlier last year and was like why not for the plot and opened the door I had closed years ago. Jokes on me.

I am thankful for our friendship. If I had to go through this part of my healing, I am probably in the place to do it. It’s been another reminder that I am not “normal” and have so much internalized trauma that I have to deal with. With some of it, I’ll have to continue to find and use healthy coping mechanisms.

The thing is trauma doesn’t really go away. You have to find healthy ways to cope with how you feel and respond to trauma. I’m not always successful in finding ways, healthy or unhealthy, to cope with the abuse from my abuser. I was able to avoid it. Now I can’t so I am trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Healing is a choice.

You aren’t any less if you have to avoid some parts of your healing to get through a hard time. Healing is hard. If I had forced myself to get out there sooner, I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle all that I am feeling right now. You feel so much goodness when someone cares for you in any kind of way. No relationship, no matter the type, isn’t all sunshine. Being in my late 20s, I’m not going to get away from a relationship without either one of us having baggage. In the words of David Rossi from Criminal Minds, “Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.”

We are all trying our best. We all get hurt by ourselves let alone other people. As afraid as I am to love others, romantically and platonically, it’d be a shame if I let myself miss out. People, when good, bring so much goodness. I have had the privilege to be loved by some wonderful people, alive and dead. I hold onto that love despite all the harm that people have caused as well.

Keep fighting for love and people.