Navigating Relationships After Trauma: A Personal Reflection

Sometimes I like to go through the videos on my phone such, as the TikToks I saved and ones I’ve made before my account was banned back in November. I had used that platform to process my emotions since I had created a community apart from my real-life one. On there, I processed the trauma of previous relationships and events. It was the place I talked about the person I was involved with, but wasn’t with. The aftermath of being trauma-bonded to my abuser in college. The death of my family. All of the things, the only other place I had really talked about those things was here.

With TikTok, I had a community of people I could talk to and interact with on a deeper level than I can on here. I had debated creating a new account and starting over, but I was also getting to a place where I wanted to stop spending hours doomscrolling; one of the downsides of social media evolving into the way it has. I was craving the creativity I had before social media became what it is now. I think social media can be a great thing, but it also takes a lot from you. It really is “those damn phones.”

Social media is a highlight reel, which is why I’ve tried my best to be authentic with what I post. It’s a reason I started this blog. Though I didn’t think it would evolve into what it has become. I haven’t gone back and read old posts, but I’m sure, in similar ways to me watching old videos I’ve made, I’d see how I have evolved. This year has come with new and unknown struggles. Things that I’m still waiting for answers about. Answers I might not even get.

As I was looking at videos the other day, I was reminded of how, in other ways, I am in a better place. Things that I once had to be careful about doing, making me extra conscious of my actions, never fully being comfortable, I realized I hadn’t thought or worried about in months. I’m a nostalgic person. That is nothing new, and I doubt it is something that will ever change. It’s probably why I look at old videos. Seeing the different versions of me. Which I’ve separated the versions by the relationships/people that were present at the time. After the obvious me after losing my mom and then the me after losing my aunt, it was different relationships that shifted in substantial ways.

I don’t talk about those relationships publicly too often, but they have shaped me into who I am and how I respond to those currently in my life.

I’m a very independent person. Even more when I had to heal from one of those relationships mid 2024/beginning 2025. I isolated myself. I had to heal and figure out a lot of things. The shift of relationships during that time caused some issues to surface from my abuser in college. Though I didn’t move to the place I wanted and some other things, I did find another part of me. Each time I come back after losing myself, I get a little more stronger when it comes to keeping myself for longer.

I forget most of the time these days how much I’ve gone through that people know, let alone don’t know. Most people I meet are surprised by how “okay” I am after learning about my past. Everyone has their own determination of what okay is. I think about how, even a few years ago, I wouldn’t be able to do half of the things I am doing now. Am I still feeling discouraged at my job and dreaming about the places I could move and stressing about finances and all of that? Yes. Though I don’t see myself having kids, I see others my age with them and think how are you affording this? I’m barely able to afford the bare minimum most months. I see even those who don’t have kids but have girl bossed their way and are doing things that they said they would. I am forced to heal and sacrifice things in order to do so.

Each time I’m healing from one thing, another thing happens that I then need to heal from. It can be discouraging. Makes you think, is this really going to be my life? You look back at decisions that, in the moment, were the best you could do at the time. I used to be hard on myself for letting certain things happen. I didn’t know anything else. It’s how cycles of abuse, trauma, and addiction happen. I’ve watched many in my life be hurt by it. It’s partially why I’ve tried so hard to heal despite it all.

In recent years, months even, I’ve seen how sometimes you don’t know until you do.

I’ve witnessed my friend going through similar stages and emotions I did during that hard period of time in 2024/2025. Though some of it requires time, it’s hard to truly help them. You can tell yourself you deserve better, and the next person who comes around you won’t tolerate it. When it’s all you know before you know you’re letting it happen again. Being an empath, I find it easier to let it happen because I get where they are coming from. Seeing someone else go through what I spent about a year, if not longer, getting over from the other side, it’s a wave of feelings. It makes me sad, but I also did the same thing, so I understand. As much self-worth as I had gained in the healing process, I don’t know if I would have kept it if the same type of person came again.

I think about who I was and where I was mentally the last few years, especially. I’ve always been someone others had shown interest in, but they quickly lost it and then got it back and so forth. With the deaths and just about any friendship I’ve had, I’ve gotten used to people not being in my life for extended periods of time. I didn’t see myself in a romantic relationship. Even as a child, I didn’t really want that. After college and being free from my abuser, I was terrified of most men. I did my own exposure therapy and went on dating apps, and if it got to be too much, it was normal to ghost them, and it was normal for them to ghost me. That was a continuous cycle. I never had an interest in meeting them or any of that. As time went on, the periods I would talk to one of them lasted longer and longer.

This tactic I think, helped some to be honest, but I’m not someone who likes to waste her energy on things that aren’t going to last. I also learned that not all relationships are supposed to last. If one is going to last (and I’m talking friendships as well), you have to take a chance. I learned things from those I met on apps and those in person. I get sad knowing past relationships don’t look like they used to, and they never will look like that again. We’re different people in different stages. Even with my closest friends, a lot who are in their early and mid twenties. I’ve seen a change with me about to turn 30 in a little over a month (which lowkey makes me nauseous). Though I think I can say I am ready for my thirties. I’ve heard they are better than your twenties. I can see that. I see my friends in their own way going through and feeling things I did around their age. I see where I am and where I was throughout my twenties. To think about how much I went through in those ten years.

Turning thirty means being able to say goodbye to a lot of it. The men who abused and treated me terribly. Saying goodbye to most of my friends for different reasons. To be starting a new decade being loved so deeply by someone. A love that I’ve never felt before. The love that I deserved from the beginning.