Life Is Fragile

Today was one of those days where my brain decided to consistently run a bunch of random thoughts. Most of the time I appreciate how detailed my brain can remember things, but on days like today, I wish I could turn it off. Some of the things are stupid little things that my brain has attached to moments. Some of those things I can face each day, such as the scent of lavender can instantly make me think of my aunt. I have a list of different foods that remind me of people and moments, though most of them aren’t even “important” moments where I feel like most people’s brains wouldn’t bother to attach something to. I think this is why some people or moments that are more important or substantial to me can take longer to be dissociated from things in my daily life.

Amongst all of these thoughts today I reflected over the last few years and what has happened to me. Some of the people who became personal to me but now have minimal to no contact with me. I have been asked many times, “Do you have a boyfriend? Are you talking to anyone?” Where really up until maybe a few months ago I wasn’t in a spot to be in a romantic relationship. Sometimes even now I am not ready.

I thought about if I hadn’t gone through what I went through over a few years in college, I maybe would have dated people. Even allowing myself to get closer to the few people I did have feelings for stronger than just a friendship.

But maybe, if I hadn’t been hurt in the ways that I was that prevented me from having romantic relationships I would have been hurt in a deeper and more of a permanent way if I had decided to dwell in a romantic relationship. Especially in the mental state, I was in when I entered college. The issues that I have worked to heal this past year are fixable. Though there are some days I am reminded of how deep they are inside me. Again, they are fixable. I don’t know if I had gone into a romantic relationship in college would I have come out any better and would possibly have come out worse.

The event that held me back from romantic relationships taught me a lot of things. It made me realize things that I had never realized before. The limitations that the event had, a typical romantic relationship wouldn’t have had. For that, I can see this big traumatic event in a different view and how maybe in some small ways protected me from more harm.

Everything happens for a reason. I know cliché, but true. I am one who likes to look at the lessons that come from the bad in life. Maybe more than I should, but then I don’t know if you can look at the good too much.

I didn’t think this past year would look like it has. Well, I don’t think any of us have ha. Where and who I am today, is drastically different from where life had me a year ago.

I have picked up some of my old habits or ways that I had lost because of that event that I went through for a few years in college. This time, I get to pick up these habits with a more stable me. One who is a little less all over the place. The people around you are going to change you. There is no way around that. But during those three years, I let a person change so much of who I was. Someone I had said I was never going to be.

While healing over these past few months I have realized and come to accept that I was young and naive (two things I heavily denied) during most of college. When adult things happen to you at a young age parts of you grow up. You start to think because of those adult things you are now an adult. Which yeah parts of you may be. But, I was still a teenager/young adult who still had so much innocence hiding under the hurt and darkness that the world had created.

I just didn’t fully realize it until I was out of a harmful situation that took away most of my remaining innocence. Life happens. Life is going to peel away parts of you. I don’t know if it’s okay per se but it’s part of life. Part of growing up, though I hope and pray most people to have it happen in a healthy, “normal” way. I also know realistically each person is going to go through something traumatic that shapes them into a person they didn’t expect.

I could let what has happened to me take away the goodness of life. I have let it do just that so much of the time thanks to those walls I have built over and over again. Which, I am working on tearing down the tallest and strongest wall I’ve ever had.

Life is fragile.

The only constant thing about life is change. There might be a negative thing that creates a big change in your life. It will most likely destroy much of what’s in its path. Even with that destruction, some good will be born sometime after these changes. I don’t think I would trade any of the bad that has happened to me for a “better” life.

Most of the dreams I remember are mundane and involve a lot of what I worry or think about during the day. Last night, I dreamt of twins who had two different lives. One had a life similar to mine and the other had a life of one I sometimes wish I could have had instead. These twins switched bodies, kinda like what happened in the movie Freaky Friday. When it was time for the twins to switch back, the twin who had the “perfect” life who was currently living my life didn’t want to go back to her old glamorous life. She liked the parts of her that “my life” gave her.

There are going to be times when it is wished that an event never happened. I am not going to deny and say that hard things magically get better. A lot of things have long-lasting effects. A part of me is always going to long for my parents to be alive. I also know that losing my parents when and how I did gave me things that I may not have if I was still living in a world with a mom and dad. I am more compassionate and empathetic towards people and situations. I can put myself in people’s lives that I possibly wouldn’t be able to without all of the loss. Sometimes it can make me physically sick because of how deep I can feel people’s pain, but still something I don’t know if I’d want to give up.

I am going to end this post with a quote because I probably could continue writing. This quote is from Criminal Minds (big surprise right? ha).